Saturday, September 23, 2006

~the EVIL omelette: first of the many sagas~

at the beginning, there was no light. there was only darkness.
and God spoke. "Let there be LIGHT!" His forceful voice reverberated throughout the galaxies and ramified throughout the many many subatomic particles floating aimlessly in antimatter (maybe cos they were trying to zone out after reading too much Snell). and so there was light, and all was bright, and God saw that it was good. (prior to that it was pretty hard to see anything at all :P)

and then there was separation of the land and heaven, and of the land came forth water, bountiful quantities of it to irrigate the lands of the future inhabitants of the land.

God smiled and saw that it was all very good. but there was no life. so God created the first man and the first woman (out of NOT the first rib, NOR the last rib of man, but from CHUNKS of the last 3 ribs of man, bilaterally, and taking most of the last 3 costal cartilages with it. why? cos the last 3 ribs are floating ribs, and dammit, if ribs were meant to float then what are we doing with luxury cruiseliners???) and this laid the foundation for future medical students as they recognized the law: Man will have chest pain, and the chest pain arises from Woman (cardiothoracic law of the Serene NANA). and God took pity on them as they had nothing to entertain themselves with (yes, no MVs, sadly) so God created animals. but the problem was, what to create first? there is, currently, gazillions of species of non-homo-sapiens cohabiting Earth with us, so it must have been quite a significant event in heaven when God moulded the first animal to share Man's inheritance of the land. God was ingenius. In fact, God was so omniscient and all knowing and powerful that he saw only ONE solution to the problem - he had to create an EGG. (so now we all know that eggs come BEFORE chickens. and that is the law of the Serene NANA - see the entry in the encyclopedia under miscellaneous laws and TALK COCK rules)

so there was an egg. it was ellipsoidal, and it was encased in a homogeneous layer of calcium carbonate, and it was porous. and all was good. Man and Woman came before the egg, and were amazed by its perfection. so for 3 days and 3 nights they gazed upon the egg with the utmost concentration.

at the end of the 3rd night, bordering on the 4th day's dawn, Woman turned to Man and said, "I've had enough." (in a tone that is miraculously preserved throughout the centuries and demonstrated in the Woman Who Watches 5 HOURS of EPL Direct Broadcast With Her Spouse)

Man took his eyes away from the egg and looked at Woman. He saw that they were becoming emaciated from malnutrition, and were beginning to exhibit the signs of kwashiorkor due to the failure to acquire sufficient essential dietary amino acids. This would lead to the downfall of Man (and Woman, for the rabid feminists out there) if nothing was done. Being primitively intelligent (simply cos there was nothing to compare their intelligence to on Earth at that point in time), Man looked at the egg in closer detail and found that the egg came with a piece of dietary recommendations datasheet, typed in Arial font size 6 (primitive Man's eyesight was probably good due to the need to hunt subsequently). and he saw that the egg was nutritious.

5 hours later, Man broke open the first egg, and cooked it on a hot stone while Woman watched. (this is basically reflected in modern househusband-run families, though the Woman component most likely doesn't stop at merely watching as a disinterested spectator anymore - add in nagging, complaints and condescending remarks as required.)

the freshly cooked egg was perfect in its colour distribution, with concentric peripheries demarcating the yellow (median) centre and the white (lateral) yolk. it was such a perfectly cooked egg that Man felt proud of it, and called it OMELETTE.

OMELETTE was an intrinsically nice egg, because it arose from God's desire to entertain Man. however, the stone on which OMELETTE arose from egg was tainted with EVIL tissue-factor-activated-Factor-7, and this caused coagulation, and the coagulation was a cascade, and this caused EVILNESS. the runny egg was oblivious to its impending doom and fall from grace into the abyss of HIGH CHOLESTEROL in the blasted land of Rhoades&Tanner Island, as it basked merrily and peacefully in the sun waiting to be cooked. when the egg was fully cooked, it found that it had metamorphosized into an EVIL OMELETTE, with an evil glint in the yellow edge and bubbles of congealed albumin along the periphery of the egg white of such BLINDING EVILNESS that it nearly rivalled that of the ONION PANCAKE's. (but this will come later)

and thus we have the EVIL OMELETTE. do you QUIVER in fear? do you SHAKE in fright? do you STUTTER in agony? ah, all you worthless minions, to be trodden underneath the EVILNESS of the OMELETTE, beware.

for the sequel is coming.