Friday, July 14, 2006

a pinch of the wind

am approximately 30 minutes away from a swim. feeling awfully guilt ridden from ingesting a pack of instant noodles (with egg) for lunch, plus a couple of sneaky bits from my sis' lunch curry :D muahaha. food thievery is fun. but it makes me fat... not to say bloated. hahaha. i feel like a puffer fish. rewatched disc 2 of madagascar during lunch! (we lost disc one. and no prizes for guessing who misplaced it :P) i think i can commiserate with Alex the Lion when it comes to steak cravings haha :) i'm a notoriously itchy-mouth-ed girl. but recent events wrt my misbehaving gut has reduced my food intake (yay) especially when it comes to my favourite rich, creamy foods (bleah) haha :) i dunno if it's God up there who decided He has had enough of watching me whine incessantly about my ballooning frame and yet indulge in closed-doors-no-holds-barred snacking, or just a stroke of luck (whether good or bad is purely subjective and undeserving of debate). but this IS still weird, whenever i'm introspective enough to think about my newly evolving diet of soybean milk, tofu and odd bits and ends.

bought 10 bucks worth of fishies yesterday and hauled them on the 811 feeder bus for a ride around the neighborhood. do fishes get bus-sick? :) hehheh. my mum thought so - she was saying they'll all be moaning and flipping upside down by the time we reach our destination. but they proved to be hardier than their mystical bussick comrades cos when i checked them after we alighted from the bus, they were merrily darting around in the bag and biting each other's butts. my tank is beautifully enhanced with the presence of these new tank members... mental note to get more plants to decorate their living habitat :D

am somewhat troubled. being a medical student (or a prospective one, in my case) can weigh heavily on interpersonal relationships. this is very true when the people around you harbour high expectations of you and want you to be their personal physicians. they expect a 19 year old, who has yet to step into a single LT in the SOM, much less grasp a single salient fact in a medical student's syllabus, to be able to miraculously come up with a diagnosis and instant, and i stress the word instant, cure for someone with dizziness from hypertension. they don't take no for an answer. they are the epitome of ignorance and persistence. and especially of the very evil power to instil a dreadful sense of guilt and self-reproachment in the INEPT, STUPID and UNDESERVING (prospective) medical student. i was so hurt when the person scolded me for "wilfully ignoring" the patient when the patient in question "struggled so hard to bring me up and make me what i am today" and that i "totally do not deserve" to be in medicine. and that i ought to just withdraw my name from the list. and perhaps, while i'm at it, i might as well take a long sushi sword and slit my throat and collect the blood as a sacrifice for my sins.

bleah. if i haven't even started school and they already treat me like this, what will happen when i'm really in school? and why do people like to make me feel guilty? as in, i agree to help and do what i can, but could they please NOT threaten me with visages of death and all making their illnesses and pains seem like my fault? i didn't tell them to eat durians. i didn't tell them not to take their medicines on time. and i certainly don't have the telekinetic power to create dizziness spells in them. and even if i have the power, i believe i wouldn't do that. it's not right to wish suffering on others. like, yeah. i don't like to feel helpless when the people around me are ill. and that's precisely what these people love to do to me. i'm not a physician. i'm not a doctor. i'm not a medical student... yet. please give me a break. i'm not omniscient. and i won't be omnipresent. what would become of you, when i have to be on call next time and an emergency episode occurs? will you call me on my handphone and demand that i appear instantaneously by your side? will you berate me to the point of worthlessness for not being there to miraculously heal all your pains? will you force me to forsake my duty and disown me for taking care of my patients (because it is my God-given job) instead of nursing you at home? will you? will you be selfish and have me all to yourself? or will you gloat when i hang my head in shame if i were unfortunate enough to lose a loved one when i choose my work over your demands? whose fault will it be, then? will it be mine, of negligence? or will it also be yours, for crying wolf once too many? will you cry out taunts and ill-sounding names, calling me a coward, an unfilial child? will you call me a panderer to others, for fame and money? will you say that i have sold my soul and turned my back on humanity?

i wish you wouldn't. because that would break my heart.

but i know you will, for you are the spitting image of your mother, whom i used to despise. but i will forgive you, because you don't know how much words can hurt. you don't know that what you say can snuff out life in a person as surely as a bullet from a gun. i am not God. i am not Jesus. i am not a saviour, i am mortal. one day i will be judged before Him, as you will, too. and then i will say that i have kept my heart and mind, because i have kept and will keep my tongue from retaliating at your baseless accusations.

if people say that being a physician merely entails the burden of holding responsibility over the patients, then i say i am not a physician, for i hold the burden of responsibilities over all the people whom i love, and some of whom knows that i love them, and hence use this love to their advantage as a gambit in threats.

why are people so calculating, scheming and blind to the greater Love of our heavenly Father? if only i could love with such love, and that the ones i love would love me as much as such, the world would be so much closer to our Lord. humans are only mortal, i know. and my flaws are incalculable. but i still have dreams of the day i meet the Lord. and he will take away all the apin and suffering on earth. being a Christian gives me the strength to find glimmers of hope in the grimmest situations. God fortifies.

i'm lazy. it's already 4.10pm and i haven't changed into my swimsuit, which means i wouldn't have enough time to swim if i don't get my butt moving and translocate myself to the pool by 4.30pm. but i must, for the noodles and curry are weighing heavy on my stomach (also my conscience, but i'm pretending it doesn't exist haha).

looking forward to cell group later. yay :)