winning is 95% mental.... and so am i.

was watching kids central's MIB at 1pm when Agent Jay (aka 67-turned-84) uttered this absolutely cool phrase. :) i've decided to tune in to kids central and watch sabrina and MIB and Jackie Chan's adventures everyday! haha for the rest of tml anyway. :) this shall be my new catchphrase... Thanks so Mr Tan SE for instilling the innate urge to plonk myself before the TV set and pay voluntary absolute obeisance to it at kids central channel everyday. :D

went on a blind date today, thanks derek, but u're not very interesting. sigh.

i like CM. :) and i also discover that i no longer crush joel for reasons known to ll. :) haha~ oh well. i think crushes wear off after a week, like sabrina spells. so now i'm just ok with joel... but i wouldn't mind continuing to send nice exam jiayou msgs to him as long as i don't overshoot my sms limit. :) just no more mindless squealing and drooling in his presence. haha~

relent
the suffocating
exotic maroon
dream

such adversity
i'm not a worthy
adversary
of.

haha~ hmmm. my english version of the chinese classic hongloumeng. i bet denise and knw are shrieking in agony right now. :)

a handful of - in another eternity

started a great day with gardening, changing hamster water and everything else but revising. kudos to the great N.A.N.A. for exalting procrastination to heights it never imagined possible :) anyway... truddling around SGH (my 2nd home! really! and dr johan shall be my godfather) in its stupidly (like, honestly, larh) bright orange shuttle buses (sustained by my overtly inflated consultation fees, no doubt) i thought of asking for ideas to create new poems on. So i shall now try my hand at creating a few short titbit sized poems for my nice friends who contributed the topic inspirations :D

Sexlogy (that means a collection of six, by the way) (hehehehe... i KNOW what you were thinking!) - the 1st: BIG HIPS ARE DESIRABLE

undulating
this immense obstruction
barrier; hindrance; whatever you may
blocking and i can't see where
i was intending to go
before you conveniently (or not)
intruded on my breathing space (and fifteen others')
by
sashaying
into my path - and theirs


indistinctly
before i could snap my cursory

-- and then i heard
snatches of
(unobtrusive)
"and big hips meant you could bear more children and AH MA'll laugh all the way
till the next year"--

"excuse me!"

it suddenly occurred to me
old people don't really understand the trade off
between more children
and the cost of me
getting lost
behind your big
(surprise)
behind.

-- contributed by Denise Yuen, miss menage e trois cum currently attached with 2 gf and 1/2 a bf and 1 eye candy.

Sexlogy -- the 2nd: ODE TO THE PURPLE BRINJAL DOOM

(poet's whining pretext: PAM. for the last time, stop being so apologetically cheem, what the heck is this??? and purple brinjals mean you crave for erotic and powerful sex, according to mssr.s freud and jung! haha didn't know you had THAT in you, girl.)

[peeking around the corner she got the shock]

of her life
because
frankly

falling involuntarily
down the upsettingdisgustingabominable mess
of purple brinjal innard slime
wasn't her idea of
recreation
(let alone procreation)

but that wasn't the point

she has no will over the advancing
intimidating
purple bully

so slide she will
to her own undoing -

* that's the best i can do so stop gawking for goodness' sake and rejoin your mandibles and maxillae!!! who asked pam to come up with such a funny topic. :)

Sexlogy -- the 3rd: ENHANCED ZUCCHINI

sterile white dissecting light
renders
the already lifeless
even paler

urges the meek to gasp in sympathy
and the bold to forge on (just do it, it has to be done)

i hesitate
never was a daring surgeon, i never was
not when i just graduated a month ago
with bare passes
in incision and anatomical recognition

but the chief surgeon frowns glaringly
behind the starched whites

cannot refuse cannot retrace my steps
back to my comfortable dark secret hole of reassurance
that i can (able to, qualified to, trusted to)

make the first cut

i am about to cut myself up in fear
for not making the cut (oh, the pun, the puns)

somewhere in the green corridors the nervous relatives are moaning in anxiety
and still i cannot proceed
past the smug little demon residing in my guts
shaking its harpoon at me
and hissing an assured NOOOOOOOO up to my heart
[and i'm being driven crazy by myself over this little - ]

"no, i don't think i will."
and i exit the operating site
ashen faced

and the white-clad chef removes the accursed zucchini from the table





and i give thanks for small favours.

-- contributed by ME! under influence of kn, of course. and aiwo. :D

Sexlogy -- the 4th: BLOOD DONATION

tempted
beyond reasonable doubt
to infuse new life into others

hurts like a small antbite
(plump pleasant Red Cross lady cajoles me into the voluntary bloodletting)
minuscule pressure
minimum pain
maximum life-saving kudos and deitification

have to test how an antbite feels like before i agree

aiming for the back of my hand and
bite.

minuscule pressure
minimum pain
and 2 small puncture sites.

time to trim my fangs

and someone please revive the kind Red Cross lady
(she doesn't seem to take well to kind hearted vampires)

-- contributed by ME again! :D well the bus passed by the HSA so i thought of it. :)

Sexlogy -- the 5th: PET SHOP SUBTERFUGE

aim
and shoot

caught in the cross fire
ZIPZIPWHAMBHOOOOMCRASHZIPZIPCLANG

my surroundings just exploded
[find new cover]

i crouch low
behind a stunted stack of
wood shavings

they'd spot me - and soon
i stand
and fire blindly

they reply gamely with a volley of shots
that find home

as i lie
possibly dying
of multiple gunshot wounds
i only have time to think:




who'd have thought hamsters could be so vicious -

-- contributed by PAMBAM. :D haha.

Sexlogy -- the 6th: NUT POPPING FOUNTAIN

whimsical
psychedelic
fun

as you twirl me around your little finger

i lose myself drunkedly
in your

silly self-centred advances

somewhere in the background
a red-striped-white-aproned old man
stoops
conscientiously
over his reliable
nut popping machine

we both emit high pitched whines of protest
as he cranks its rusty handle
and you crank mine.

-- contributed by KORNEHWOMAN.. :D

time for my TV show. 6 poems is the END of my life. i need a stiff restorative. *stumbles off groping in search of the abovementioned stiff restorative*

by the way, my doctors are all bald or balding. this just further goes to prove that intelligent male species HAVE to lose their hair before being intelligent male species. maybe a poem about them. NEXT TIME. (growls dangerously at anyone trying to insinuate a new poem topic now)

self discovery can be scary

[he looked in and all was not right]

it wasn't so much the chaos (the entropy, tropy, py....)
in faint truncated whispers

have to flip - past the
dense suffocating
grieving
and lurid
details of the past

to see the things that are wrong.

tread softly past (and try not to awaken the
deceivingly
sadistic self)

because when you get closer
i can only see the fear mirrored
in icy pinpoints
transfixed on a
sheet of white rice paper
smeared with a dash of blood
that opens up
and screams

and you discover (too late)









that it's only yourself -

chong chu jiang hu!

ah ha! nice and bright morning. (first time in 4 days!)

been a weepy creepy hermit in the past (4 x 24 hrs -- go do e math... i'm not recovered enough to deal with numbers yet haha) and finally, when i woke up this morning...

... all seemed well again! wow. so i'm quasihealed and fully squealed, cos when i discovered that i felt so much better today compared to e last few dark glum-miness days i decided to demonstrate how elated i am by issuing a Olivia-calibre squeal.

think i heard e ahemahem aunty on e 5th floor suddenly stop aheaheming to try to crane her stubby neck in e 7th floor direction to see who's struck 4D at 7.12am in the freaky cold morning. :D

ah see???? THIS is what i mean by i'm myself again.

i would like to accolad-ify by HUDDLECLIQUE, without whom i would still be a weepy creepy bottom feeder mulching around my house in short grunts and occasionally emitting a frustrated eeep.
also miss-es jessica quek, who never comes online so she'll have to be thanked by sms again, linli (miss counsellor and doctor and "oh my god you better go and sit down and call ur dr. and how many times alr??? 573?????"), cherie chan, regina tan (she who resilently stuck with my death threats at 11+ pm :) sorry dear), denise (be strong my little marshmellow! LITTLE???????), tan jiaqi, jenny kwee, pan huiting and (mr) thum jl.

dah. see what i mean by 80% of the friends population chucks you when you have diabetes (mistaken to be ebola cum hair loss i suppose :D) so 8% of those nice chums sticks by you as you cry and rant and the remaining 2% decide to go to the bahamas for a brief emergency holiday. :)

oh. and now that i'm tootling along this pebble-strewn path of recovery i shall vouch to take better care of this rotten piece of squamous and cuboidal and columnar cell cluster before something else breaks down again and i'll be forced to go back to those mulchy grouchy weepy creepy days. :D so that means i will have to stick a cardboard sign on my forehead to remind myself that i have hyper this and hyper that. (how come i don't have hyper-cranial-matter??? how come????) :)

mmm. and also trying to get used to the concept of 7 pills a day for the rest of my accursed life, which will increase as i age since hypertension only tracks a downhill path and i'm already on minimum metformin. *shrieks hysterically thinking of the hepatic cirrhosis and diabetic retinopathy at age 30* SNEC says that 60% of diabetics have some extent of retinopathy within 15 years of onset. meaning i may be blind by 30. or groping up my male colleagues' underpants by MISTAKE. MISTAKE, i emphasize. :D and trying not to collapse again like s***ified patrick in spongebob squarepants cos i've already done that TWICE since starting on that *gets held back forcibly by guards as i flail arms wildly and scream while spewing spittle* drug. :D

life will be different, man. *sighs and leans back to sample cold beer on my verandah*

no la. i'm a teetotaller. anyway kn has been glorifying my horrendously drunk and shameless jokes on her blog. i wonder if i've been banned from entering aiwo (this funny veg rest in raffles city that replaced PONDEROSA, OMG!) for life after the series of darned unfunny jokes, raucous guffaws and eventual unable-ness to pay up cos they don't take NETS. they must think i'm drunk. and they'd be half right. i mean, i hadn't SMILED in 2 days, for freak's sake.

yeah. back to the grinding monotony of odious revision. vow to finish econs today and start on freaking bio or else there isn't going to be a chance in freeze-fried hell that i'll pass the imminent blocks. :) so much to do, so little time. :D

TML's HEADLINES: "diabetic patient goes spectacularly clear off the edge of sanity after attempting to revise econs only 4 days after being told she can't take mountain dew whenever she wants to anymore -- special report by Tan NANA (HOME p5)"

slowly healing

i realise what i needed was not "we really care about you" comments.
i realise what i need, to subsist, to survive this crisis, as an 18 year old lost in a mountain (and growing, and engulfing) of problems, is friends.

i don't refer to those who find me a pest.
i don't refer to those who think that diabetes is contagious.
i don't refer to those who think i ought to apologise because i'm feeling horrible and can't be nice to them all the time.
i don't refer to those to turn to me in blind tear-filled panic when they are plagued by problems, only to cast me aside and tell me to "get over it, la" when i need some comfort and counsel.

i don't refer to hypocrites.

feeling ever so poorly, but still miraculously healed and lifted to bouyancy, to some semblance of normal life, to the shadow of the person that i was previously, the healthy, happy, contented and kindly serene tan that everyone knew.

thank you, my dearest and ever-the-most treasured HUDDLECLIQUES.

for sacrificing your day's activities (many of which are very important, i know) to accompany a grouchy me.
for coercing me to turn up at city hall, regardless of how s***ified i felt, no matter how i ranted, and scolded, and refused to cooperate. for threatening to set up a teepee at city hall mrt if i don't turn up, even as your sanity and legal freedom rested in my hands.
for holding me tight, for saying all the right things again, for letting me feel that i exist, and for a reason.
for not abandoning me.
for treating me as i was, as i am, without the diseases, without the nastiness, as a friend, a true friend, such that naturally in 30 minutes i found myself smiling, for the first time in 2 days, and laughing at a corny joke, in 3 days.
for not telling me to "go away, cheer up, get over it and stop bugging us with your stupid diseases and problems".
for letting me know that i am not choosing to be ill, and that i ought to be cheered up, not to cheer up by myself, by rotting and mourning and grieving at home, all alone.
for being there. just there.

i've never felt how acutely these special people feature in my life until today, when i'm stricken with multitudes of diseases and everyone else i that i knew (or thought i had known) are treating me as if i have ebola.

I AM VERY PROUD TO SAY THAT I AM A SUBSIDIARY OF HUDDLECLIQUES CORP., established Jun 2005.
I am very proud to say that with the help of friends who truly care, i am healing.



slowly, but surely, i am starting to feel like myself again.

stark reality
lashed;abused;brutally murdered
and i thought
i died (with it, and it was me, not dying
fast enough)


and some rogue gangsters came
and abducted me





and suddenly i find myself infused in remnants of my old life
when i still really
lived


but i can no longer find tears of gratitude to hide my trembling hands
clutching theirs till we all bled
guilt and comfort
mingling

all we do
is find solace
in each other
even as floods of curious people ooze past us
thinking we're just 3 effervescent greek lesbians









we're not. we're HUDDLECLIQUE subsidiaries
and i find a little of my darkness
has lifted.







i give thanks
for true friends
who care enough
to go beyond the customary
"how are you"

desperate call

if anyone reads this please send me a hug or some kind words before i succumb entirely to blackness--


i beg you.

aftermath

blinded

bleeding (tears running freely down
cleaving my soul
without remorse
they seek to annihilate
whatever's inside of me - whatever's me)

not to heal
not to heal
for some time yet

staring out into the dusky horizon with mourning eyes and unseeing heart

















resurrection seems so far away - do i deserve to lead such a wracking wretched life
when i can die thrice as easily
or more -

lost for words

lost

for words
for action
for purpose


i've lost myself--

hmmm~

yesterday ht said something to me that evoked some rather strong internal feelings... but then repressing strong emotions is sometimes the most prudent action to take haha. i'm turning into a hypocrite! ~~lala

so sue me, so sue
it's the land of equal opportunities
i can litigate the underpants off you, so
sue

go on and make your day
start it right with a sue
make that bomb of accusing allegations
drop on my head
and see the icy grin spread along your (nonexistent) face
so sue, so sue
you're just another number in the carousel
of human-made human blues

haha! i already anticipate avril lavigne's manager calling me up and asking for rights for this set of lyrics :) can add amateur lyricist to my curriculum vitae! hurray!

i've been going out way too often these few days, not that i can help it, but i feel more effort needs to go into revision. and i already know i'm going to be "not in" tomorrow whole day. and half the day on thursday. and if any more dates come my way on friday i shall seek refuge in my bed and not come out. oh no! just remembered i have another dr's apptmt on friday. aaaaaaaaaaargh. *induces self-inflicted acute alopecia*

been in a frivolous mood lately besides being indulgently, opulently and blatantly overspending on blingbling. :D and in "limbo love" means i can't decide who to love, not to say what to do or say. revision, for one, has taken such a backseat i suspect it's barely clinging on by a few picometres of forcibly elasticised epidermal cells to the insanely fast love vehicle whisking me towards the centre of a deep vortex marked "DOOM" in bright pink neon letters. and i've obviously closed my eyes on this ride cos i do know i'm doomed and am still carrying on with all these nonsensical relationships. :D someone ought to inform the conductor i'm carsick so he'll manually haul me out of the bus and leave me at the edge where i still have the thinnest sliver of chance to redeem myself. :D

cost of sustaining nana = infinity :)

yup am still alive after the horrendous 13 tube blood withdrawal. i hereby do solemnly proclaim that i shall never voluntarily inflict such torment on any patient in future unless under duress and threat of mortality. there. :) my fifty-cent-worth on blood tests!!! haha. anyway.

today i have ruined my reputation. i've engaged in dirty, disgusting and unacceptable behavior in public! sigh. i've let myself down *bawls spongebob style* i can't believe i passed out dammit. it's so lame. aaaargh. *watches as years of culture and dignity get flushed down e drain* and raised a ruckus. and made quite a few pink salmon-shell suited nurses and a doctor rather overexcited. haha. anyway. whoever heard of infusing saline into a person whilst taking blood. it defeats logic. :D

anyway! after the horrific experience of bakkwa-ing a live human specimen :) i proceeded to wobble my way to 7-11 and demanded all the glucose they had. ^_^ to hell with appearances... i'd rather look like jungle vermin than pass out in e wide corridors of sgh and kenna carried to e mortuary for organ harvesting *muahahaha* oooh but some angmoh guy said that e taxidrivers said that sgh only collects local organs. so tml i shall douse my sebum follicles in peroxide :) hopefully i'd look like paris hilton :D oh but i forgot. she lacks a brain. maybe she came to singapore and sgh drs decided she doesn't need one anyway!!!!! haha.

then i went for lunch with huiting and jess. nice lunch, nice place, cool ambience, nice waitress, impressive waiter-to-be, and deaf owner who misheard my order for a lamb chop to be stewed venison. but it tasted good enough to quell my complaints :) e anthocyanin-infused purple veggies from Mercury were too bitter though :D

jess tottled back home (after lunch at 12 and a second round at 2) to mug (presumably) :D and ht went shopping with me! retail therapy cures blood deficiency... i splurged on 2 necklaces (PAMPAMPAM!!!!! bohemian!!!!!!!) and a pack of percy pigs from M&S, which i promptly dispensed to the 2 glucose-junkies at home just now :)

yupz. so today is rather ok... will get to hear e usual "u're fine let's just see u in 3mths time take ur med everyday yada yada" from Dr. JBA on wed. am attempting mozarella cheese rolls and pumpkin pie tml!!!!!! and a banana cake on thurs if i can handle it cos there's someone who'd be very very very pleased indeed to receive a pc of it :) i hope, anyway. :D

ok. brain too saturated by the kaleidoscopic overstimulation of shopping to create a poem. let me think of a nice quote instead... hmmm. *chews lower lip* woah. quotes are hard man.

standing stationary
*stifled breath* stale in and
staler
out
squeezing with all my might
to escape (and failing)
therushhourtraintherushhourcommutorcommotion
[gasp!]
andnotsucceeding

step out

the next train may be a greater trial yet
but
nothing beats dying of a
squeeze
10minutes later.

yay! a poem. alright! :D

side note! side note! *nasal falsetto*

haha!

no la. just wanted to add a little note on yesterday's happenings! quite a series of unfortunate events i must say.

1) i misread e appointment time!!!!!!! muahaha. it says 11/6 8.15am. i read it, of course, as 11.15am. when the blood lab closes at 12.30pm and a MILDLY overweight, unassertive and overtly blur patient turns up at the door asking to do a 2.5 hr long test, what do you do?
Ans: Bang the door shut and hope she goes off. (well that's what the nurses did :) haha)
* mentally adds a note to get LASIK ASAP :)

2) Too many bazhangs (or those deceivingly tiny and cute keezhangs for that matter)...
Ans: ... is equivalent to the Countdown Bash 2005 for those deceivingly quiet and cooperative critters known as E. Coli in ur stommick. Dun believe, go try. :)

anyway being supremely pissed to my gills and flapping wildly upon being denied my rights to have blood withdrawn 10 times in a row i promptly demanded CM get me a glucose laden drink before we become the next lead actor and actress in those weepy korean dramas where the female lead always dies in tears in the guy's arms in a hospital. :) cos i haven't mastered my korean yet. :) so far i'm only up to the ahniyo (meaning: no) part... it's bad form to pass out screaming NONONONONO to a guy. :)

i wonder if hamsters get cardiovascular disease. those 2 idiots are becoming too fat to squeeze into their play house :) i proposed a dissection to correct their obesity and promptly received a kick in the shin by Mr Clifford "Nice" Tan. :) hey... i mean it's a good opportunity to hone my surgical skills, no? :D

yupz. so i'll venture forth again tml to the very nice Heart Centre IN THE BLARDY MORNING alone. :) well mr swarthy has classes. sigh. i'd better make sure i get there on time :)

ciao! btw the navy comes up with COOL ads. kudos to those fishy guys who have nothing else better to do than to stare at LAN-gaming-like screens and sending fake autobiography books to oblivious people like me. My parents had this wild (and sadly brief) dream that i'd finally become a real author after years and years of procrastination :) check ur mailbox everyone!!!! bound to give u a shock. or at the very least, a "what the F***" look :) i'm still working on that poem collections!!!!! :D

"million years of evolution and i'm still stuck with bad genes!"

inventory

flipping frantically through
mountains (of formidable mountains)
of synthetic
(beauty? vanity?)
call me what you wish
i can't be bothered with anthing else
but
to make myself
(just that little bit more)
appealing.

i want to appeal your eyes off the next girl
[bogged down with tons, TONS, of perfumed powder, shimmery finery and false pretense]
beside me

i want to intoxicate you

but rather
i think i want to convince myself
that the multitudes of unrepentent monstrosities
clustered on my face
are simply

"millions of years of evolution and I'm still stuck with bad genes!"

- Inspired by Denise's frustrated exclamation of pimples :) and her yearn for AHEM eye candy. I tell you that poor girl's gonna make herself diabetic if she continues indulging in so much unhealthy eye-candy :D
Just a little light hearted stuff to take the dark edge off my blog for once :)

reflections~a bit of mumble jumble

too tired to do anything but curse the slow internet connection for prolonging the pain of fasting overnight.

considering how much more pain I have to go through before I can convince the panel of judges that I am guilty of wanting to abscond from reality.
not that I'm in too much pain, but I don't think I can hold out very long before I go half-blind and comatose with fatigue.
Heart please beat a little more with proper rhythm so that I can return to some semblance of pre-op life. PLEASE. i thought I was gifted with rhythmic sense? non?

pamnana says having CM with me tomorrow (well at least until I reach the accursed Heart Centre) will keep me dignified and prevent me from collapsing and hence kissing the grime from the laureated floors of SGH. haha. Let's give it a shot; don't precisely want to be a free cleaner. At least give me some token of appreciation :)

i need money. someone please give me some money for me to change a new body and start my glittery-faux life all over again.

in the meantime let's try to finish off online without syncoping onto the hot monitor screen. Hot-Computer-Face-Ironed-Afros (HCFIA: read: HAK-FIA, the very very close affiliate of the MA-FIA) :D tend to draw attention at Singaporean hospitals esp when decked out in a pillow-stuffed, Swarthy-escorted gi and looking rather under the weather. :)

catch me tml for e next on the spot poem if i'm still alive! if i get hospitalised then it's another matter altogether :) heard they don't take kindly to patients tapping on laptops in b2 class wards. (not that i can procure a laptop in time) :)

ciao, dahlings. wish me luck for my negotiation with the National Alliance of Professional Leeches and Vampires!

dark waters~

misty glen
rising
from the wretched gloom
and halfhearted slivers
(of perceived
samurai swords laced with lethal
poison
piercing the heart of the
monstrosity that refuses
to
submit)

the supple appendages of
limbre greens
beckon

resist
not to be frayed by my
intense [in:tens:ify:ing]
fear
of the dark.

of the dark.

be gone (hoarse whisper barely alive)
begone.

*taken from a passing 60kmph view of some reservoir at 7am in the morning from the backseat of my dad's car.

**senses acutely attuned to the 10 blood withdrawals tomorrow and struck naked and gasping with fear.

mortal

only mortal

everything happened in a flurry
couldn't really tell
(hiding conspicuously behind conscience
can hardly tell
it was me
evading myself)
if it was
but i knew.

creeping behind the thousand year
gnarled fist
beckoning
(with just the
slightest
hint of contempt)
rise
rise
rise, to death

dammit

mortals.



* for those unaquainted with my eccentric poems: This refers to the apocalypse from the viewpoint of an angel witnessing the sudden end of the world and passage of humans into his own. It also explores a different view of how celestial beings might welcome us when the REAL apocalypse comes -- if it does :)