bemoans

i have no discipline.

started off today wanting so much to conquer all of anatomy and start on my physio. the well-wishing attempt started off benignly enough, with me lagging a mere 15mins behind schedule.

lunch: glass noodles, mushrooms, *what the **** no vegetables!* and 8 slices of paper thin squid masquerading as abalone. toss everything into a vaguely piquant (if u'll just bear with me on the stretch of imagination here - anyway stretch is usually by the aortic and hypogastric autonomic plexuses and lead to referred midline-ish pain)

postprandial stupor: jerlyn told me to watch tom and jerry vcd with her. one episode led to another and before i knew it, i'd lapsed into the land of senseless slumber for yet another 4 hr long stretch. drooled on the floor and on my sleeve, poised elegantly as a slab of twee bak for all and sundry see with the option to purchase.

beating myself senseless seemed a little masochistic for my tastes, so i vented my frustration on 1000 skips on the rope.

in retrospect, i have been particularly susceptible to fatigue recently. didn't use to be a problem for me, an alien to the concept of an afternoon nap. right now if anyone were to ask me to stay awake in the afternoon, i'd say the odds of me complying would be about as high as chee soon juan being elected prime minster at the next elections. mental note: sleep lab investigations warranted? mental dialogue commences with the rational other-self saying that i'm just displaying all the classical signs of med student hypochondriasis. issue KIV-ed in denial as i trudge through the next day fighting the wanton temptations of the elusive nymph called sleep. what do people actually DO in sleep? do they grow? do they heal faster? what IS it about downtime that makes it so lucrative and so necessary? why does my body demand so obnoxiously for so much sleep?

thinking of fat people dozing off inadvertently. but i've lost weight. a lot of it actually. that my tutee mentioned last week that i look "just normal" reaffirmed that i don't have a concav-ing mirror shipped in and installed surreptitiously in my cabinet from the Tent of Mirrors while i was indulging in my latest hobby - yes, sleeping. rapid loss of weight leading to lethargy? didn't happen last time before the plateau. jap studies indicate that those who sleep less than 7hrs are likely to fall sick. those who sleep more than 7hrs ARE most likely already sick. on average i currently sleep 10-12hrs a day. that's HALF a day SPENT UN*freaking*CONSCIOUS.

gripped by a blazing urge to buy as many cartons of caffeine tablets as i can find without setting off a lynch mob of caffeine tablet addicts. (i don't drink coffee. sets off the IBS haha.)

i don't know why i'm sitting here talking about sleeping. or about the miserable state of my life. or the upcoming exams. or my desire to change some aspects of my life. some temporary, some permanent, all lucrative.

i'm quite a self centred person, no?

have to reset my focus. have to get back my drive. have to remember the things i've read *!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* have to... pass the exams. *tsk* so... cumbersome.

i think i've been misjudging Somalia for some time now. i've grossly underestimated the sheer level of despondency. caught stumbling on the oleaginous, precipitous edge of horror when i saw the pictures of the starving, of the dead. i don't have the rights to reproduce the pictures here, but if you have time after reading this, do pop over and perhaps, after that, u'll find renewed vigor in living your life in cozy and affluent singapore. at the very least, u'll wish u'd never taken the name of such a wretched place in vain because it really pains your heart to... i don't quite know how to describe it.

the pictures redefine the meanings of poverty. of hopelessness.

it's like walking into a surrealistic installation where the true leap of faith is believing that what u're seeing is real. you can't believe it cos you've never seen anything like this. on the other hand, it's so compelling. it's like how people slow down and gawk at fatal accidents. we know it's horrible, we know it's grievous, we know it's carnage and gore and the substance of nightmares. but we look. cos we have to. it's a human instinct... the horrors of it cry out so shrilly that not looking hurts, and u'll keep pressing the next picture button.

i'll leave you to judge what you want to do with your life, or perhaps even in the lives of others, after you see the pictures for yourself.

http://www.jamesnachtwey.com

go. if you feel your life sucks, just go and read the site. i hope it'll help to inject new faith and love into your life. it's not the panacea for depression, but it's an effective reverse psychology vehicle.