metamorphosis

NANA declares, NANA needs a change.

change is constantly taking place in each and every one of us. Subjected to tangible and intangible forces, of nature of synthesis of pure imagination, we're being moved in many ways unseen, every moment of our lives.
some changes are good. they move us to find our inherently innocent and loving nature, seeking the beauty and purity within the myriad layers of dreary, grimy soot smeared tirelessly into a greasy, choking, endlessly noir facade onto our faces and bodies by the bad forces. the bad forces are those that find deceit, conceit, malevolence, vengeance and hatred in the deep dark corners of our very flawed human hearts. they pull out these fanged and clawed creatures of doom and put them on pedestals of our hearts and minds, clouding good judgement and blinding all faith. they sully the whiteness of innocence and demolish goodwill into crumbly debris nobody bothers to take a second glance at. they're gargoyles, but worse in countenance than the Lord of Gargoyles and all its twisted, deformed, wicked slaves. They come together in the shadow of dusk to form the mirage of the Evil One.

but they shy from light, and light is precisely what makes them draw away shrieking horrible curses and names and pledging eternal vengeance when, once in a very long and tired while, a beam of goodness shines out of the depths of our hearts, like a beacon of light from a lighthouse in search of its own salvation.

NANA wants to grasp these exhausted beams of light by the hand and pull them up, uP, UP! out of the binding of the dark and into the light where they should be.

i've never doubted the inherent goodness of people. for me, it used to be "good, unless proven otherwise." *to all my law kakis: sorry for unabashedly lifting this climatic statement from the courthouse!* after quite a lot of rather unsavoury events, i'm ashamed to say that i've since taken the much more cynical view of "potentially bad, unless proven otherwise." my dearest denise has borne the brunt of my many excursions on the pleasantly beautiful but brittle facades of people, and she has come around to this idea after some experiences of her own. i'm breeding little larvae of mistrust and cynicism here in young hearts, and can I rightly blame myself for being so?

who rebukes and chides the patient who refuses to take another mouthful of medicine, if it nearly killed him/her the first time round? likewise, who can stand up and say truthfully,"No matter how evil, distasteful, worthy of hatred and disgust anyone is, i'll never despise the person!" and bring this statement to its nadir, yes nadir, by adding,"And i'll turn the other cheek too!" the truth is, we all harbour varying unpleasant emotions towards people who have done us harm, both intentionally and unwittingly, be it mild distrust or the more extreme i-won't-give-up-till-i-hunt-you-down-and-tear-you-limb-to-limb-for-what-you-did-to-me. People who sanctify themselves by saying, no, they never ever get angry at anyone - blatant liars. they probably misfile their income tax forms, too.

NANA has the same problem. being a woman, i find that this is multiplied manifold. some women - i wouldn't go out on a limb and say all, lest i get lynch mobbed tomorrow morning whilst having breakfast - truly have a hard time forgiving. we're not even venturing into the arena of forgetting. i think it could be inherited, perhaps on a heritable mutation on the gene locus on chromosome X right next to the gene locus for the anally retentive protein, or ARp1. why? because my mum has the same problem as me. i'd say hers is a little more serious than mine, cos i am able to keep my resentment and cynicism in check most of the time. which is a little stretched for her, cos she has this rather unnerving habit of being a rather nasty little angry person, unleashing her pent up anger against others by venting all of it on her family. which means us. strangely, she is perfectly capable of treating the person who crossed her with utterly impeccable manners and fawning sweetness.

sometimes i shudder in fear of myself "evolving" into a prototype resembling hers when i'm older.

enough of this mindless jabber. my vocabulary is incredibly deplorable - i had no idea that my grasp of rudimentary english could deteriorate/decompose at such an alarming rate. they ought to issue half-live warnings with english classes, so that users may be aware of the danger of waking up one fine morning and being unable to form a complete, grammatically correct sentence in english without spending more than 5 minutes drooling incontinently beforehand. gone are my halcyon days of good english command. nowadays, i'd probably fall to the ground Hallelujah-ing if anyone said i spelt diminutive correctly. how very sad~~~

well i've got some changes lined up for myself... i even took the liberty of calling myself a Project Makeover finalist. Project this and Project that are all the rage nowadays, is it not? i've categorized my judging criteria into 3 broad aspects: spiritual, academic, physical.

Spiritual: Candidate fulfils criteria if she 1) follows the walk-through-the-bible-in-1-year project faithfully, 2) attends CG in church and VCF faithfully and 3) completes 40 day fast without any further interruptions.

Academic: Candidate fulfils criteria if she 1) studies conscientiously, without unwarranted and UTTERLY UNNECESSARY chat-breaks lasting more than 5mins each, from end of school to 7pm daily, 2) achieves at least 70% for subjects A and B and at least 80% for subject P in CA2, and 3) Passes all 3 papers at pros and does not need to take any subpapers or viva exams.

Physical: Candidate fulfils criteria if she 1) jogs at least 4 times a week, regardless of the day or frequency, with 40mins or more per session, 2) attains SUSTAINED weight loss of at least 1 kg per week, 3) maintains newly dyed and fixed hair in mint condition until CNY rolls around, 4) does not fall prey to any snacks or urge to break fast, or to munch indiscriminately, during assigned hours of fasting, 5) stay away from fried foods and canned drinks of any brand and any name, and 6) maintain good health and good studying spirits.

gambatte kudasai ne~~~~~~~!!! *pats my own back with considerable effort* ^_^