babyish thoughts

spent a tiring, draining day at the bookstore today, serving the upper crust of Singaporean society and swallowing my pride. My pride seems to resent being swallowed at weekly intervals very much, because every time i do it again it just gets harder not to wail, give up, flop on the floor and bawl my eyes out in self-pity.

self-pity must be a SIN somewhere in God's Great Big Book on What Thou Shalt Not Do. it gives me a strange feeling of quiet solace, thinking of how God would peer down at me (i keep imagining God to wear a pair of grandfatherly spectacles - gosh sometimes i think i'm mixing Him up with the idealized version of a benign, protective grandpa, but on hindsight, isn't that exactly what He promises us, His children?) and give me a half-smile when i'm just on the brink of giving vent to the little squeal of frustration rising in my throat, and shake his head (almost inperceptibly) and wag His finger at me. so i force myself to smile and take a deep breath and to keep going. Plow through the sludge of rudeness, hoity-toity arrogance, wealthy apathy and condescension...

but sometimes the war is hard to fight. when i want to cry, i want to have someone to hold me and talk to me and soothe my frazzled nerves and tell me not to succumb to idiocy - those people aren't worth sobbing over. and since i wish not to be hauled into court for being "lured" into a homosexual act (arhem) i guess i won't be unloading my burden on any of my poor, innocent and definitely male-inclined female kakis. sigh.

the old chinese sage who said "ya ba chi huang lian, you ku shuo bu chu" has hit the nail on the head. why is it that all these proverbs come in so useful?? and so eerily accurate??? i must sit down and meditate away from the insidious allure of the TV someday and perhaps i might attain some sort of illumination/enlightenment (or as Denise puts it, an awareness of things i had never previously regarded as existent).

part of the reason why this is so hard on me (whilst others may simply shrug it off) is due, no doubt, to my inherently strong sense of self. or rather my NEED to be acknowledged. is it? no. i believe a more appropriate term is respect. i need people to recognize that i am useful when i have a solid accomplishment that is worth notice, and i want the respect that comes from it. this explains why i have been so stubborn (to all the kakis out there who're still scratching a nearly-bald spot on ur head trying to figure out why i'm so ornery) and why i would rather fight to the death than concede defeat in a situation where my reputation is at stake. my closest friends would know, seeing me hobble across hc campus in that weirdly funny gait that screams for the director of LOTR to hire me as a permanent extra hobbit. or the times when i attend school 2 days after an operation, only to find out that i expire much faster than i thought (and thus lend myself as material for many cripple jokes and fainting scares haha). i am a person who cannot afford to lose when i know that humiliation follows the defeat. in things that don't involve my reputation, i'm much more relaxed. cavalier, even. knw has exclaimed innumerous times about my need to rein in my bad habit of cussing at random in public. i'm a disgrace sometimes. it's not conscious, just a rather exaggerated form of release when i know i'm safe with the people who love me enough never to agree to insult me even when bribed. but for failures? sorry mate, i gotta do it my way. i gotta fight to the bitter end. as my mum told me: pa de yue gao jiu die de yue zhong. it hurts more to fall from grace when i'm high up. it's so true. i thought nursery songs were just crap, but i know better now. i'm learning it the hard way... but that's always better than not knowing at all. i'd rather crawl, grovelling and weeping in excruxiating pain, to school, than to see a failure on the exam cert.

i've lost count of how many people who love me and care for me who've tried to cajole, scold, scream, coax and sweettalk me into resting, taking things easy. i'm being irrational, i'm being plain stupid. i know this doesn't make me heal faster from the stab wounds all over me, but it's a primal instinct. i can't fight it. when it beckons, it's not a gentle, susurrous calling that draws me misty-eyed towards the goal slowly. it's a hardfisted b*****, shrieking at me to move it, do i want to fail, do i want to be insulted and humiliated, do i want to die in shame - if not, i'd better haul ass, and fast, or the whip's gonna come down hard where it hurts the most and break me, break me good, break me into a whimpering, useless mess that can't say my own name -

and i always shiver in fear. i work for fear. i can smell the danger in the air when someone responds not to an innate drive or passion, but fear. it's going to be nothing short of cataclysmically disastrous. the results will never be good. the person will never be happy at what he/she has accomplished - just slogging blindly, one day at a time, one chore at a time, one additional slavery noose around the neck at a time, until the neck swells and breaks under the collective strain of all the burden. it's blind rage driving competition, competition driving jealousy and hatred, animosity driving depravity and loss of self esteem, and finally the bitter self-mutilation/destruction that usually follows such regressions. i'm stuck at the jealousy part. i feel the ugly green monster creep up on me and sneer into my ears when a pretty, rich, smart and svelte lady passes me. it makes itself known unabashedly every morning when i stand before the mirror critically eying myself. it makes me see a scarred, obese, ugly, rude, selfish, poor and infernally stupid person masquerading as a normal one. i shake my head and turn away, but i'm just escaping truth.

i'm going to tell myself from today onwards:

1) i am made in the likeness of God. if i say i'm all that i said before, i'm saying that God is either really lousy at making people like me, or God is flawed. Since God is perfect, then the 2 statements are negated.

but that doesn't quell the ugly green monster. it flails its arms wildly and shrieks into my deep self-discontentment, fanning the embers of a smoldering firestock that could spell trouble if left to burn unchecked. so i will also tell myself daily:

2) i will not bring shame unto my parents, who have belaboured to create me from themselves, and nurture me, and give me food and shelter if nothing else, and to allow me room to grow to the being i am today. to proclaim myself worthless and bound for destruction is to spit on their faces, denounce all that they have done in my interests for the past 18 years, and to crush their bodies under Satan's jealous sulphur-lined boots. i must love myself, for my parents' sakes if nothing else. i will not let Satan have his way with my inner flaws.

i'm drained. this is a catharsis, an epiphany. i have dragged my screaming, protesting skeletons out of the closet and laid them bare before all who read this blog; i have nothing to hide. i feel like i've fought the fiercest war in the century; i'm oddly liberated yet mournful of the passing of my inner flaws.

from now on, i'll be who i am, and no more, and no less. you get the whole deal, or you get none. i will not covet riches, beauty, intelligence - all these are transient. i will not begrudge others their blessings.

i believe i will find the people who treasure my quirks, idiosyncrasies, and imperfections. and in return, i will love each of them and pray that the Lord bless each of them in turn, with all my heart.