medicamp!

the smelly chaotah taupok shall hereby declare herself officially initiated into the medfac after 4 gruelling, inhumane days of camp. but to be brutally honest, it was so damned fun that i didn't even want to break camp! ^_^ yes i must be sadistic - thanks to the master sadists in medfac lol :)

e first day we hibernated during the sponsor talk and traipsed around NUS for the trail game, then went to Aloha Loyang where we played this asinine thigh slapping game (reason for the HAMSAP guys to slap the fair thighs of their hapless female counterparts), this game called SHA!!! which was totally totally nerve wracking (and pointless) and resulted in some pple (esp ZS!!!! haha!) resorting to weird unauthorized hand actions out of panic/desperacy/lunacy - thus giving rise to this new deeee-dooooo game where we made more hand actions. i'm never laughed so hard before in my entire life - i thought my freaking lungs were gonna plop out wetly into my lap during one of the hilarious screwups :D dinner was absolutely fun cos a very reluctantly lovey-dovey couple entertained us by feeding each other their packet dinners as a forfeit :D no points to James for cheating by gulping (and almost choking on) half his packet of rice before we could start the forfeit proper! :P unfortunately, me and SH elected ourselves lightbulbs by following/tailing PX and WL to collect drinks from e common terrace, resulting in my mishap with the uncovered drainhole at the side of the road. hahaha i thought WL would just get an ogl to come pass the bandage so i can compress the stupid ankle and limp back, but the entire og entourage made their (really impressive) way down the road just to see how the blind pig is doing :) thanks peeps. so the night whiled away whilst i sat on a chair and watched my fellow piggies play ball in the dark :) then they had their nightwalk, which was in this maze in the park by the sea, and which i was forbidden from joining due to the koyak leg. bleah. i ended up falling asleep on the floor of another og's chalet, which probably caused a fair bit of excitement when the unsuspecting og returned from their hair-raising nightwalk to discover a fat corpse splayed out on their doorstep. haha :D i apologise for any sympathetic tachycardia from this incident! anyway my og came back at the unholy hour of 4am in the morning, and we fell asleep at 5am. haha how wonderful.

the next day was inter-og games, but the beautiful morning was slightly marred by rain, which, thankfully, stopped rather quickly. sarah came on board the piggy ship and was promptly confused by the stunning number of people with similar-sounding names. anyhow the poor girl was spared from extreme confusion when the games were declared on after the drizzle died down :D we had quite a few really really really really weird games, not to mention this really kinky one where james had to endure S&M in the sun and the og took turns smearing funny stuff on his face and body. i believe sarah was the LUCKY girl who had the fortune to smear red colouring on a sensitive area of poor james' body *ahem* but anyway our cross-dressed britney spears WON! yay you go james! :D oh and glenn was on the opposing team! haha he was supposed to be kim jong il, but i think he still looked quintessentially glenn-ish after the makeover :P

3rd day was wet games and a massive waterbomb fight, which is too painful to describe (seriously). let's suffice it to say that 1) concentrated dynamo is seriously NOT FUN in the eyeball, 2) joel has a six pack! joel has a six pack! and we're not talking about heineken here!!!!, 3) ice makes guys' backs turn red like cold sashimi *yum*, 4) female hair DOES NOT convey water well and 5) water bombs made of sea water BURNS, DAMMIT!!! #*%^*(#&* hahaha :D
we were seriously knackered after the insane games, but somehow my og mustered sufficient horsepower (go piggies!) to decide on a TONG XIAO cycling from pasir ris to changi and back. poor GH had to cycle like nuts to make our tandem bike go up the hill (instead of down) hahaha and i certainly WASN'T helping by singing all his favourite songs off key :D muahaha. but k-box, anyone??? ^_^ oh and there was a bidding thing where we won 3 bottles of soft drinks (instantaneously guzzled on the spot). i won a box of peanut butter sandwich biscuits for being the tallest girl in my og and eating a quarter of a watermelon e fastest, and a can of cotton candy for being one of 4 mushiest love letter writers! the 3 lil pigs generated 3 out of 4 of le moste romantic of the romantic, so we're sure to be hitched in no time, eh, piggies? :D

on the 4th day of lunacy we had to break camp, oh, how woeful it is! (sing to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas) lugged my battlegear home, bathed, collapsed into bed and was unconscious for the next dunno how many hours :D hahahaha.

tiring? what an understatement.
madness? you bet.
sadistic? oh YEAAAAHHHH...
but man, i'd give my 2 front teeth to go through it all over again! ^_^

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *watermelon, watermelon, banana, banana, raisinraisinraisin, raisinraisinraisin, rambutan, rambutan!!!!!!!*

cocoa

the fortifying temptress wafting into the subconscious
trudging in the shelled cast
of a molten faceless man

beckons (chirpily, it seems)
come, have a sip, and put down your burden for awhile

the man's clouded opaque eyes seek furtively
for the source of the entreaty
the white of his eyes are distillated flesh
the flesh of a man long dead and pumped full of formaldehyde on a morgue table.
he cannot see beyond the deathly blindfold of his worldly wants.

his stubbled face, well lined with worries of ages past
(since man first fell from God's grace) that of his fathers, and the fathers before him
turns in supplication towards the voice.
he cocks his ears (heartbreakingly)
like the abandoned puppy we saw begging for love that the owner didn't give.
the love that was relinquished and buried
when the owner threw it in a dishwasher left on till the next morning.

for the puppy had, oh he had
been a naughty pup indeed
to chew the button off the Ferragamo
of the owner's pet tit.

the love that was rebuked and not mourned
when its dead carcass was left out in the freezing snow by the roadside.

for the puppy had, oh he had
been an ignorant pup indeed
not to know that every act of humanly love
is lethal poison within.

the man thinks he's found the source of the elusive joy
taunting his senses.
the grimy fingers unceremoniously jammed into the tatty coat
grasp spasmodically in the air
closing upon a crystalline snowflake (winking in mischief at his futile efforts)

but he doesn't find the comfort he seeks.
his heart is still cold (echoing the bloodstained tears of yesterday's anguish)
and his heart is still blind.

till the day he dies
he will find no reprieve
in voices that call out to him
to relieve the burden he carries

(for he cannot)
(for he will not)

a pinch of the wind

am approximately 30 minutes away from a swim. feeling awfully guilt ridden from ingesting a pack of instant noodles (with egg) for lunch, plus a couple of sneaky bits from my sis' lunch curry :D muahaha. food thievery is fun. but it makes me fat... not to say bloated. hahaha. i feel like a puffer fish. rewatched disc 2 of madagascar during lunch! (we lost disc one. and no prizes for guessing who misplaced it :P) i think i can commiserate with Alex the Lion when it comes to steak cravings haha :) i'm a notoriously itchy-mouth-ed girl. but recent events wrt my misbehaving gut has reduced my food intake (yay) especially when it comes to my favourite rich, creamy foods (bleah) haha :) i dunno if it's God up there who decided He has had enough of watching me whine incessantly about my ballooning frame and yet indulge in closed-doors-no-holds-barred snacking, or just a stroke of luck (whether good or bad is purely subjective and undeserving of debate). but this IS still weird, whenever i'm introspective enough to think about my newly evolving diet of soybean milk, tofu and odd bits and ends.

bought 10 bucks worth of fishies yesterday and hauled them on the 811 feeder bus for a ride around the neighborhood. do fishes get bus-sick? :) hehheh. my mum thought so - she was saying they'll all be moaning and flipping upside down by the time we reach our destination. but they proved to be hardier than their mystical bussick comrades cos when i checked them after we alighted from the bus, they were merrily darting around in the bag and biting each other's butts. my tank is beautifully enhanced with the presence of these new tank members... mental note to get more plants to decorate their living habitat :D

am somewhat troubled. being a medical student (or a prospective one, in my case) can weigh heavily on interpersonal relationships. this is very true when the people around you harbour high expectations of you and want you to be their personal physicians. they expect a 19 year old, who has yet to step into a single LT in the SOM, much less grasp a single salient fact in a medical student's syllabus, to be able to miraculously come up with a diagnosis and instant, and i stress the word instant, cure for someone with dizziness from hypertension. they don't take no for an answer. they are the epitome of ignorance and persistence. and especially of the very evil power to instil a dreadful sense of guilt and self-reproachment in the INEPT, STUPID and UNDESERVING (prospective) medical student. i was so hurt when the person scolded me for "wilfully ignoring" the patient when the patient in question "struggled so hard to bring me up and make me what i am today" and that i "totally do not deserve" to be in medicine. and that i ought to just withdraw my name from the list. and perhaps, while i'm at it, i might as well take a long sushi sword and slit my throat and collect the blood as a sacrifice for my sins.

bleah. if i haven't even started school and they already treat me like this, what will happen when i'm really in school? and why do people like to make me feel guilty? as in, i agree to help and do what i can, but could they please NOT threaten me with visages of death and all making their illnesses and pains seem like my fault? i didn't tell them to eat durians. i didn't tell them not to take their medicines on time. and i certainly don't have the telekinetic power to create dizziness spells in them. and even if i have the power, i believe i wouldn't do that. it's not right to wish suffering on others. like, yeah. i don't like to feel helpless when the people around me are ill. and that's precisely what these people love to do to me. i'm not a physician. i'm not a doctor. i'm not a medical student... yet. please give me a break. i'm not omniscient. and i won't be omnipresent. what would become of you, when i have to be on call next time and an emergency episode occurs? will you call me on my handphone and demand that i appear instantaneously by your side? will you berate me to the point of worthlessness for not being there to miraculously heal all your pains? will you force me to forsake my duty and disown me for taking care of my patients (because it is my God-given job) instead of nursing you at home? will you? will you be selfish and have me all to yourself? or will you gloat when i hang my head in shame if i were unfortunate enough to lose a loved one when i choose my work over your demands? whose fault will it be, then? will it be mine, of negligence? or will it also be yours, for crying wolf once too many? will you cry out taunts and ill-sounding names, calling me a coward, an unfilial child? will you call me a panderer to others, for fame and money? will you say that i have sold my soul and turned my back on humanity?

i wish you wouldn't. because that would break my heart.

but i know you will, for you are the spitting image of your mother, whom i used to despise. but i will forgive you, because you don't know how much words can hurt. you don't know that what you say can snuff out life in a person as surely as a bullet from a gun. i am not God. i am not Jesus. i am not a saviour, i am mortal. one day i will be judged before Him, as you will, too. and then i will say that i have kept my heart and mind, because i have kept and will keep my tongue from retaliating at your baseless accusations.

if people say that being a physician merely entails the burden of holding responsibility over the patients, then i say i am not a physician, for i hold the burden of responsibilities over all the people whom i love, and some of whom knows that i love them, and hence use this love to their advantage as a gambit in threats.

why are people so calculating, scheming and blind to the greater Love of our heavenly Father? if only i could love with such love, and that the ones i love would love me as much as such, the world would be so much closer to our Lord. humans are only mortal, i know. and my flaws are incalculable. but i still have dreams of the day i meet the Lord. and he will take away all the apin and suffering on earth. being a Christian gives me the strength to find glimmers of hope in the grimmest situations. God fortifies.

i'm lazy. it's already 4.10pm and i haven't changed into my swimsuit, which means i wouldn't have enough time to swim if i don't get my butt moving and translocate myself to the pool by 4.30pm. but i must, for the noodles and curry are weighing heavy on my stomach (also my conscience, but i'm pretending it doesn't exist haha).

looking forward to cell group later. yay :)

a little while we sit in reflection

check out this site, peeps!

http://matt.simerson.net/humor/history.shtml

jj sent it to me. it's absolutely hilarious - betcha never knew all these stuff! :D

God is great, God is almighty. Thank you Lord, for coming into my life, and for opening my eyes to the beauty of people and the world that You have created. For you Lord, nothing is difficult or impossible, and through you Lord, everything is possible.

Lord today i commit my life unto you again and refresh my faith in You. I pray that even as i go about my daily activities today, tomorrow and everyday in my life, Lord, I pray that you will minister to me and through me, and that You will make your mighty presence known to me that I may abide by Your words and laws in the Bible, and I will find wonder and gratitude for all that has been given to me through You.

Thank you Lord for giving me the inspiration and strength and obedience to heed Your will. Thank you for opening my clouded eyes to the love of my parents, and thank you for giving me back my loving heart, that I was able to initiate greetings to them this morning. I pray that you will sustain this loving relationship between us Lord, and not to let it fizzle out shortly, for Lord you know that my heart's desire is to serve you and my parents and my family Lord. Lord your love is neverending and rightful it is that my praise of you will never end as your glory pours out into my life. Lord i pray that you will preserve my family as they go about their lives, and that you will protect them from harm and ill health Lord.

Lord i heard your words echoed in my friends' words yesterday. Lord it is your will that we spread the gospel and make your glory known to the world Lord. Lord i pray that you invest in me the strength and courage to go out and touch the lives of the uninitiated in uni, with your words and by your love. Lord i pray this, that more of the world will see your righteousness and strive to become more like you in perfection, and give praise to you as it is right to do so.

Lord i pray for my churchmates, for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and I pray that Lord you will walk amongst us and with us, and fortify our days on earth with the satisfaction and comfort of your presence. Lord i pray that you hear their prayers and you will answer their doubts and soothe their worries with your healing and merciful hand Lord. Lord i want to ask especially for your protection and ministration in KNW, pambam, jess, ht, ll, mel, diane, cindy, melz and wanting's lives and their families Lord. they are special to you as they are to me Lord and I pray that you will watch over them, lay your grace upon them and bless each and everyday of their lives.

Lord let us begin each day as though we were newly made in your love Lord. Open our eyes to your power and might and your everlasting grace. All these i pray, in Jesus' name, Amen.

- heartfelt prayers carry SO much strength and conviction that they are living miracles from our mouths, really. Praise the Lord.

a happy harping harlot hums hymns

i love my life.

life is beautiful. how could one not get intoxicated in the ethereal substance that feeds our veins and nourishes our thoughts like heavenly manna? ok, maybe u're one of those cynical people who refused to claim Israel after the Lord brought them to the threshold of the promised land, but i say: For once, throw down your blindfold of fear and cowardice, and behold the world.

life is goOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!! *mimics Australia's yodelling travel ad*

ok i'm not madder than i've always been, but just in case you're scratching flakes of your scalp off trying to think what on earth made me so darned happy, the answer is: JESUS!!! (and NO, i'm NOT cursing. bleah.)

benzene-NANA turned 19 officially at 9-something PM yesterday. anyway that's rather inconsequential. the thing is, it was a very non-descript day. no trio of bright yellow canaries serenading me from the windowsill in the morning when i blearily took my deathly-stinky first yawn. no streamers cascading from the ceiling and tickling my good ole philtrum into an unholy spasm of morning allergies a la KNW-style. no booming party music. not even a watered-down, wavery rendition of the centuries-old Birthday Song by some cranky, arthritic Old Man Symphony down in Some Ulu SympRetirees' Club.

i got up, realised i was going to be late for service for the THIRD FREAKING TIME in a row, thought of the UNHOLY amount of time i always spend trying to decide what to wear, and shrieked softly. the result sounded like a cross between a strangled cat with heart failure and a pureed frog.

i raced through the morning washup (meaning 15mins), grabbed 2 closest coordinates from the ironing rack, and squeezed myself into them. threw on the string of faux pearls and combed my hair. appraised myself critically in the mirror with barely-open eyes. i actually looked presentable - a black lace halter, a brown tiered flare skirt, pearls and a white (actually, greying) cardigan. ok. out of the house i ran, and into service i barged (raising a number of eyebrows - not least cos i forgot to put on the darned cardigan BEFORE i entered the hall of worship, so i was too uncovered for my own good. but i rectified this eyesore immediately *grins innocently* haha) and sang and worshipped and prayed.

and forgot the time. i realised i was 1 HOUR late for work at the darned bookstore by the time service was over. sigh. but i was happy that i didn't miss the service, cos it was worthwhile. we were talking about revival that day, and i decided to make my birthday wishes in accordance with the theme. amongst other things (too mundane to mention hurhur) i prayed for a revival in my faith, and for renewed happiness and content.

on my harried trip down to the bookstore, i received several messages from my parents, regarding the long-un-set-up-ed modem (which now IS *grins proudly*) and my whereabouts. and u know how ornery i can get when i'm hot, bothered, late and stuck in a mobile sardine can.
i gave clipped, short answers to their enquiries and felt guilty afterwards (same old thing everytime) and arrived at the bookstore, with all of the above, PLUS a heap of guilt to boot. an excellent way to start a birthday. i noticed a man with arms laden with a bouquet and cakebox reading the titles on display in the window, and gave a cursory smile at him as i opened the shutterdoor. he followed me into the store. i expected him to pick out a book or browse around the store, but he didn't. what he did changed my day dramatically and reinforced my belief that God hears and answers prayers. especially birthday ones :)

the man held out the bundle of things on his hands towards me.
"Serene Tan? This is for you."
"Wh-at?" my eyes plopped wetly onto the floor in surprise.
"Happy Birthday." he beamed.
momentarily, i understood. the very people i have been curt to just 10mins before have arranged for a surprise delivery of a birthday cake and bouquet to my workplace, for the simple reason that they LOVE me.

i felt so overwhelmed i didn't know whether to cry, or to laugh, or to kiss the man. i chose the 2nd cos it was the least socially embarrassing. after i signed for the things, i called up my parents immediately and thanked them effusively. but i felt so bad that it was over the phone, for i would have given anything to have them right before me so i could hug them and kiss them for what they have done for me. it was a watershed moment. at that point, i understood that my parents are truly crazy, and that they love me without any qualms and conditions, and the love is unfettered by my physical dimensions, my ornery-ness, my multitudes of faults and inadequacies.

and God loves me, for He gave me my parents, that i may have such love on earth as I have from my Heavenly Father.

He answered my prayers, and for that i am defeated, euphoric, grateful, and repentful all at once. it was not a miraculous revival, but the smoking embers of my heart where my faith lies have been stoked, and the flame is back. i may be one of the unworthy, who would not fully believe unless i see, but i thank the Lord for His signs of love on the day of my birthday. so now i know i can do better: to reaffirm my belief until it is fully independent, for the Lord said,"You who have seen believes, but blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe."

i lead a blessed life.

my favourite worship song is "More than life"... ok this is a little sidetracked. but yeah just for the record. haha.

anyway the rest of the day was spent with HT (she looks so lovely with her new curls!) trekking through the sales at causeway point, whereupon we enjoyed ourselves immensely trying on stuff that NEVER fits me :D and stuff that caught her eye. in the end she had in her possession a wonderful, elegant cream embroidered dress, a fluffy CREAMPUFF skirt :D (why does everyone contrive to be fluffy creampuffs lately??) and a frilly pink top that has the soft frills arranged to look like convergent foamy waves on the seashore. oh, and a multicolored pearl bracelet. my spoils of war were much greater in number: 3 pairs of jeans, a pair of flowery pointy toed shoes, a pink necklace, 1 white spag top, 2 cardigans and a bra. hahahahaha. if clothes and accessories were artillery, i'd be on par with the US Defense Force ^_^ we also parked ourselves in front of the chocolate stall in Cold Storage and ate up all the Aunty's stock of samplers. haha :D i must say, the white chocolate with almonds tastes AMAZINGLY like dabaitu nai tang :P very sweet. i think my teeth rattled in their sockets when i tasted the morsel of *ahem* aphrodisiac. i was merrily educating the Aunty on the beneficial effects of PEA that is in chocolate :D but her tales of customers buying containers of dark chocolate and eating them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and YET NOT GAIN WEIGHT is simply fatally unconvincing :P

after the excellent shopping spree, we wanted to try the apple-shaped peach flavored japanese ice cream dessert as well as the tempura ice cream at this place called Ichiban Sushi, but it was already time for me to meet my clan at GV yishun for a movie, so i made a date with HT to meet again next weekend to massacre the sales at Orchard (far east, suntec and the whole stretch in between!) :)

oh anyway, the movie we watched was Re-Cycle. it was touted to be horrendously hair-raising, but i found myself stifling a yawn and actually dozing off in the middle of the movie. not only was it diasppointingly devoid of creepy-crawlies and eeeky-weekie elements, it was an EXTREMELY grotesque rip off from Mirrormask (esp the library scene and the floating bits near the Transit area masquerading as original ideas despite their appearance in almost the exact same form in Mirrormask). i was so disappointed. i was NOT scared, i was BORED, and i was IRRITATED. the plot was completely boring anyway. around halfway in the movie they decided they have run out of ideas to scare people and resorted to simplistic, unconvincing gore and Family Planning, "Family Day" campaigns.

sigh. haha bad movies are the norm, anyway. but i feel that it's a huge pity that the pang brothers are losing their touch of being able to scare people subtly, like in The Eye.