suddenly i feel myself quite, quite overwhelmed by the need to scream and induce some hair loss in myself. reason being i can't seem to stop myself thinking about relationships.

remember the halcyon days of glorious greek lesbianship when i scorned, snubbed and stigmatised all those ignorant, love-deprived idiots who hankered after the adoration of their male counterparts? the irony, the irony. *wails in despair and tries to drown myself in salty tears* it's so hypocritical that i think i'd better squash myself into one of those sugar-cane squeezing machines and squeeze all these irritating notions out of my soft, mushy head.

1 boyfriend gone. i thought: oh wow what a bloody relief. and then: WHAM. i kenna blasted by another overpowering wave of nauseating love. what utter crap...

is it just an unfortunate but passing phase of life? if so, it's passing along so bloody slowly that i believe severely impacted kidney stones do better. haha! (nods sagely at the perplexed faces of non-medical-knowledge-imbued friends reading this)

i've managed to be so thoroughly distracted by these unwelcome martian intruders that i'm failing all my tests recently. look at the appalling results and faint! hoho. ideal for anyone trying to get a feel of combined heart attack cum stroke. it's no wonder really. i haven't been paying even a tiny smidgen of attention to the lecturers since... oh, 2 light years ago.

i don't like the paralyzing feeling of helplessness and jealousy that comes with love, cos i'm a person very much taken to the concept of independence and feminism and honestly, to be crippled by just a singular male is very insulting. but it can't be helped, as much as you can stop an oncoming train when you're on the tracks. u just wait for the impact to blow over and hope u dun get pureed too badly by the wheels. can't confide in friends without experience in relationships either cos i get a myriad of responses, not all of which are very encouraging. See below and u'll get what i mean.

1) "Just wait and see how he reacts. if he doesn't react, then just stay there and wait some more." -- when i'm dying to know whether he likes me or not, the last thing i can do is wait, really. and unless you fancy a demented, impatient maniac for a friend, forget waiting.

2) "But why you want a boyfriend???" -- err. cos i'm a bubble-blowing, banana-biting, sleep-deprived baboon with nothing better to do? i can't help it, silly. i don't want a bf, i just... can't help myself from being sucked into his force field.

3) "Dunno lah..." -- ya great advice dear. i also dunno la. haha. *hysterical laugh*

4) "You think he likes you? YOU???" -- err. thanks. *sidles away in mortification and applies for PR status in hermit-filled mount wushan*

haha. summarily, i'm a lost case. let's just hope joel doesn't do anything funny to me or else that's the bloody, spectacularly fiery end of my a levels.

in the meantime thum is giving me tuition at 15 bucks an hour, which means he'd better come up with good results or else he may just find his legs getting in the way of his eyes when i'm done with him haha. oh i forgot... i need a license to beat him up. btw things are chummy and cozy between the enamoured pair so i'll have to think of another way to make him pay if i dun get better grades come prelims... :)

HP and the half blood prince is quite a disappointment. jkr is starting to lose her magical touch... thank goodness there's just 1 last book left. :)

my mum likes to tease me about my bfs. I ought to apply for oversized girls to have a martial warrant against people who make snide remarks about their ability to get hitched! haha.

am thinking of my upcoming hospital appointments and wondering if i will regret cancelling them, in case i do expire prematurely (as in prematurely premature, cos i already know for a fact that i don't have much chance of living past 50yrs) then i won't get the chance to live to my fullest potential. all because i dun have money to pay for appointments at the controllable stage of my many many diseases. that would be an excellent joke, yes it would. hoho.

though i am adamant that i must get the ECG done. i've decided to take money out of the salary and book prize from last year's attachment to pay for it... i must know why i'm having heart problems. and how serious it is. for mental preparation...

will my future husband despise me for my scars and weak constitution, i wonder?