i watch
through the frosted
glass
into the frosty heart

thinking i knew you
would be better
someday
but better

and then now
propped shaking inside
knowing better
that you would not

how could i let go?

and you would never answer
again
never to look me in the eye
gaze
into my tormented soul
screaming for relief
and soothe it
with the eloquent eyes
that mesmerised me from the start
when i first fell
irrevocably in love
with you

and my heart freezes over again
i feel i'm about to break
i cannot hold myself together
when you're there
fighting a losing battle
all on your own

i cannot see you
it's so wrenching
to have to stand here
and be strong
to assure the multitudes of people
that i'm alright
that you'll be alright
when we're not

when you go, will you take me with you?
i'll be much much happier
i'd much rather
i were the one
wrapped in tubes
tubes among tubes among tubes
all hissing
and none of the life they give is helping you
or me
heal

i'm hurting so much inside
can you feel it? or have you turned numb
to the pain
i want you to feel the pain
i want you to reawaken
so that i can fall in love with you
all over again

i wish i could die with you.

enamoured

things are rosy. things are so peach blossomy and rosy, i'm getting allergies from the madly amorous pollen grains. i feel empowered. i feel great! *stretches out like a limousine*

as kornehwoman-cum-konica has rightly pointed out, love is blind. love makes one do strange, crazy and inexplicable things. like taking 30minutes of one's life to create an sms apple (which ends up looking more like a mandarin orange cum papaya hybrid if you ask me) :) and so forth. love makes one generous, like you're naturally endowed with castles filled to the brim with largesse and you just can't wait to toss handfuls of it out to all the people in the streets whilst singing "Top Of The World" at the top of your lungs. love makes one brave. Fanatically brave if you ask me. I've never been so courageous for the wrong reason all my 18 years of life. :D love is wonderful. it makes the most mundane things glow in beauty. it makes one envision the best in the counterpart regardless of how mortally flawed the person may be.

Going by this argument, love is a hell of a potent drink. haha! consume only if above 18 years of age. love makes you drunk, makes you giddy with happiness and warmth. makes you drop down a slippery crevasse without realising anything wrong besides the sickeningly slow notion that your shoelaces may be coming loose. :) like it matters when you're well on your way to being the next entree of Mssrs Anaconda and Rattle.

yes, i am bound to let slip this, but i shall officially whisper that i have fallen ill with a very very severe and lethal case of peachblossomitis. someone had better club me repeatedly over the head before it does permanent damage to my brain. :) and yes, i am bound to talk about this, because i am irrevocably in big trouble for dabbling in such forbidden magic at such trying times. people who do this, in past records, tend to die painfully tortured deaths at a level exams and subsequently at the exam results collection day.

i wish i were immune to affection for people other than my family, and protected from the deep desire for affection.

i shall be stoic in the face of such daunting and adverse conditions, and let my love and admiration and whatever it is to bloom, to blossom at its own pace. i shall not hasten its maturity, to deny it the bittersweet taste of the growing process, cos that only expedites its eventual death.

i wonder how huiting is. i've been worried sick about the poor girl for the whole of today, and pestering jess to no end by asking her repeatedly if she thought ht was alright. as if she were a medium capable of ESP and transisland telephonic view. :) i also subjected thum to the same interrogation. basically cos her symptoms are quite distinctively similar to that of dengue, and we all know dengue incidence is rising like nobody's business recently. i don't want history to repeat itself, so the poor girl had better go to the doctor's and the doctor had better do a blood test. yup. but being a non-certified physician, i'm incapable of doing anything but wring my hands in alarm like the proverbial Chicken Little. :) please get well soon and rejoin our ranks of stoically mugging soldiers, ht. :) we miss you! and do rescind my anxiety and tell me you're alright so i can be spared the terrible fate of advanced Parkinson's at age 18. :)

Ah. the summons from HPB came today, so i shall safely cancel my clinic B appointment and then asking for a rewired route to it again via the subsidised HPB referral. hoho! genius, genius. *strokes non-existent beard*

crushing chest pain recurred today in bio pract. i reckon i'm being too stressed and hard-pressed for satisfactory answers that fit the preconceived mould perfectly to sustain my health in bio classes. was contemplating going home, then realised there was harmoc prac later after school, so took emergency medicine and grinned my way through. Surprisingly (or not), 2 hrs after the accursed stressful lesson i regained my health. hence the conclusion. :)

moch is launched! hurray for the 32nd SC. they're so creative and energetic and efficient, i'm impressed. so impressed in fact that my jaw was half-unhinged throughout the SC session today. i suppose the same could be said for my tymphanum, which is currently still recuperating from the uber-loud PA system. i am very inclined to bury them with my poems once the floodgates are opened. :) watch out, man!

the lazy concrete
stretches
and claws
halfheartedly
upwards

spiralling languidly
beyond sight
but the mind
resists
knowing full well it continues
upwards
tirelessly

and so do we.
but conform? no
never
i'd take off
at the slightest fancy
leaving my
half-imprinted
signature prints
smouldering
in wisps
at every base step
taken.

ok. this is pure concentrated NANA crap at 11.31pm at night, about hwachong's school stairs leading up to the staff room. so very very interesting, don't you think?

i welcome interrogation about my peachblossoms. :) ll... i see an evil glint in your eye!

suddenly i feel myself quite, quite overwhelmed by the need to scream and induce some hair loss in myself. reason being i can't seem to stop myself thinking about relationships.

remember the halcyon days of glorious greek lesbianship when i scorned, snubbed and stigmatised all those ignorant, love-deprived idiots who hankered after the adoration of their male counterparts? the irony, the irony. *wails in despair and tries to drown myself in salty tears* it's so hypocritical that i think i'd better squash myself into one of those sugar-cane squeezing machines and squeeze all these irritating notions out of my soft, mushy head.

1 boyfriend gone. i thought: oh wow what a bloody relief. and then: WHAM. i kenna blasted by another overpowering wave of nauseating love. what utter crap...

is it just an unfortunate but passing phase of life? if so, it's passing along so bloody slowly that i believe severely impacted kidney stones do better. haha! (nods sagely at the perplexed faces of non-medical-knowledge-imbued friends reading this)

i've managed to be so thoroughly distracted by these unwelcome martian intruders that i'm failing all my tests recently. look at the appalling results and faint! hoho. ideal for anyone trying to get a feel of combined heart attack cum stroke. it's no wonder really. i haven't been paying even a tiny smidgen of attention to the lecturers since... oh, 2 light years ago.

i don't like the paralyzing feeling of helplessness and jealousy that comes with love, cos i'm a person very much taken to the concept of independence and feminism and honestly, to be crippled by just a singular male is very insulting. but it can't be helped, as much as you can stop an oncoming train when you're on the tracks. u just wait for the impact to blow over and hope u dun get pureed too badly by the wheels. can't confide in friends without experience in relationships either cos i get a myriad of responses, not all of which are very encouraging. See below and u'll get what i mean.

1) "Just wait and see how he reacts. if he doesn't react, then just stay there and wait some more." -- when i'm dying to know whether he likes me or not, the last thing i can do is wait, really. and unless you fancy a demented, impatient maniac for a friend, forget waiting.

2) "But why you want a boyfriend???" -- err. cos i'm a bubble-blowing, banana-biting, sleep-deprived baboon with nothing better to do? i can't help it, silly. i don't want a bf, i just... can't help myself from being sucked into his force field.

3) "Dunno lah..." -- ya great advice dear. i also dunno la. haha. *hysterical laugh*

4) "You think he likes you? YOU???" -- err. thanks. *sidles away in mortification and applies for PR status in hermit-filled mount wushan*

haha. summarily, i'm a lost case. let's just hope joel doesn't do anything funny to me or else that's the bloody, spectacularly fiery end of my a levels.

in the meantime thum is giving me tuition at 15 bucks an hour, which means he'd better come up with good results or else he may just find his legs getting in the way of his eyes when i'm done with him haha. oh i forgot... i need a license to beat him up. btw things are chummy and cozy between the enamoured pair so i'll have to think of another way to make him pay if i dun get better grades come prelims... :)

HP and the half blood prince is quite a disappointment. jkr is starting to lose her magical touch... thank goodness there's just 1 last book left. :)

my mum likes to tease me about my bfs. I ought to apply for oversized girls to have a martial warrant against people who make snide remarks about their ability to get hitched! haha.

am thinking of my upcoming hospital appointments and wondering if i will regret cancelling them, in case i do expire prematurely (as in prematurely premature, cos i already know for a fact that i don't have much chance of living past 50yrs) then i won't get the chance to live to my fullest potential. all because i dun have money to pay for appointments at the controllable stage of my many many diseases. that would be an excellent joke, yes it would. hoho.

though i am adamant that i must get the ECG done. i've decided to take money out of the salary and book prize from last year's attachment to pay for it... i must know why i'm having heart problems. and how serious it is. for mental preparation...

will my future husband despise me for my scars and weak constitution, i wonder?

suppressed:subdued:submerged

walking under the
thinly grey gruel rain
barely sustaining
the wretched chlorotic
malnourished
jade green blades
of nothing (sideways)

fingering
ectoplasmic fabrics
fluid upon the tips
coarse upon my grated nerves

they don't sooth anything
but my suppressed need to scream relief -

the monstrous Mr Hyde raises its head
and growls backwards
at my cowering conscience
driving it forward
forward to destruction

cannot subdue my inner demons
when i feed on its vindicative spirit
to live

[it's barely alive; after all - i'm killing it with my need to reassure myself
not evil, really.

not evil.]

drowning in self-pity
reassuring salve
and another drive of the stake into my never-dying death.

little flowery musings

Just revisited ll's blog and remembered this little post. it's an enchanting little poem that i keep in my subconscious... so here it is (hope ll doesn't have a plagarism litigation attorney, aka THE SHARK) :

lilies are
only pure

as pure as you
would allow
them to




(penetrate and probe your inner sanctum)

it's quite true. and it's a quirky little thought. i shall write a poem about flowers. on the day that my little soil pot yields me the first bloom, i promise to immerse the audience to this blog in a celebration of floral success. hoho! *delirium is imminent, i can feel it* haha. anyway. so many nice movies. no money and nobody to go and watch with me... ah. the perils of movie-withdrawal symptoms. thank goodness i no longer have the excuse of having cm to take me out at my every whim and fancy. time to grow up... princess. haha. oh well... a levels are imminent. a levels are imminent. a levels are the bane of my life. :) gotta go edit my presentation slides - too word-rich. euphemistic! try: what the SH*T is this??? haha. ciao...

incandescence

came in
(no, swept, with a breathtaking awe-inspiring sheen)

made her presence felt
tangible
tiptoeing in little pirouettes
gentle
barely breaking the surface
of
our liquefied minds

[we swoon]
intoxicated addicts
to her
lingering
[and demanding-coquettishly
not to go so soon, Master Yuen]
scent

partaken from the essence of elves and
perhaps
the entranced spirits of fairies
beholden to her
enchanting
ethereal beauty

she settled
upon the seamless cocoon
of
bloodred rose petals
tearing pearls of dew
in a whorl of
blazing
incandescence.

wow. this has got to be the MOST BEAUTIFUL poem i've written in a long, long while. funny how it takes a seriously ill person toasting at 38.6 deg Celsius to come up with a breakingly beautiful poem. :) hoho. anyway am supposed to be up here to retrieve gp presentation data... but the inspiration stuck. been watching too much wuxia movies (think crouching tiger hidden lion) :) so like that, lor. and supposed to be sleeping hoho! to facilitate my busily munching phagocytes in their valiant attempt to eat up the nasty lil viral cretins taking up uninvited residence in my blood haha! ok then. hope you enjoyed reading it as much as i did writing it! *yawns*

conformity

blissfully ensconced in the
- raggedy ann mould of
passive
agreement-
there doesn't seem to be a way
out



and it's only ludicrous that i even try -

i broke up with CM, i'm having an ok 18th birthday, and i'm looking for someone to drag along to donate blood with me next week. any takers???? :D can fulfil my poetic dream of being a kindly vampire haha.

PPHHHFFFWWWWAAAAAAAAHHH~

blocks are over! math and chem are roadkill. bio and econs are les suicide, amigo. gp... *grimaces* u get the general picture. :)

yep!
shall take it easy on my first day of retirement from prolonged mugging so here's a little poem to keep things going...

[muse-ful wistings]

lounging in the half baked noon
sun

away from (but barely)
the slew
of pickle
transient
lunch crowd

oozing aimlessly (chugging diesel storms) past my vantage point

i feel the world is mine







(and it is)

guess what inspired me for this poem? there was an acs guy sitting cross legged facing e sun on the ACS porch. free suntanning i suppose. anyway his carefree pose caught my eye and i decided to pen this down! yay. instantaneous inspiration. just add hot water and stir. :)

anyway i'm facing a tumultous relationship. and i'm busy trying to decide. :)