war, half undone, but i've awakened.

i'm fighting this.

never knew myself to have such an assertive, pain in the ass alter ego.
self hatred burns oneself up just as much as hatred for another.
self hatred burns more. cos i know i'm doing it, i know i shouldn't be, and my thoughts run away with the concept of self-worthlessness faster than i can catch up with it.
it's like my normal psyche self runs as fast as my physical self does. which doesn't count for much if i want to win.

i can feel love.
i'm standing on the outside looking in desperately at the evil one demolishing my esteem and self, and i can feel love.
love from God, love from my family, love from my friends.

one of these days, love will kill the devil.
one of these days, i will kill the devil with love.
i renounce hatred. it is the tool of the devil. i renounce self-pity, it is the tool of the devil. i renounce hopelessness, for it lies in the deepest realm of the devil's lair.

so God help me.