centrifuged

hi all!

1 week since i started work back at my lab! Been enormously busy - so much so that i became bone-tired on the 2nd day and got into a exhausted-vs-exhausted row with my parents. sigh. being too tired from work makes me crabby and unpleasant. the work hasn't been very fulfilling - till today my DNA is still not seen as a nice clear band. i'm quite frustrated, and needless to say my poor poor mentors are at the end of their patience with my slow progress. only the bacteria listened to me and grew quickly, but too quickly such that they became confluent, and made colony picking a pain in the ass. (and the neck, come to think of it. i was hunched over squinting over the petri dish for 1 hr, whilst foregoing lunch!)

i just realised today that weiqi, a fellow attachment student, was an rg-ian! haha! we behaved like demented long-lost relatives when we realised we're really kakis. and i was wondering why she gave me such comfortable vibes, like someone i know a long time before. oh but she brought bad news: Justina, the PSL chair for my batch, committed suicide. well this is probably old news, but i was hearing it for the first time and am quite shocked and very saddened. i really hold the belief that people who wish to end their lives prematurely, for whatever reason, frivolous or not, ought to take a good look at the poor patients who struggle with terminal disease, some of them just kids or even toddlers. i really don't think life ought to be frittered away so flippantly. it's a commodity that's meant to be treated with care and treasured well. there's always ten more reasons to continue fighting for life for every one for committing suicide.

well today i got irritated by a guy on my train whose girlfriend very lovingly wrapped herself around him, but he kept his eyeballs riveted on my cleavage. i felt that the girl deserved better than a useless man who concentrated only on the superficials. it's deplorable behavior when a guy has a perfectly good girlfriend who loves him so tenderly but he chooses to let his attention roam to whomever had a significant amount of chest tissue. i mean, come on. pamela anderson's silicone bags aren't gonna live forever, so QUIT staring, already. and love your girlfriend at least as much as you love big chests, for chrissake.

i've sworn to stay a greek lesbian for awhile, so that i stop torturing myself and my poor friends (one poor soul in particular) with my horrible tales of lightning-courtship and breakings. the last one has left me rather dejected - he was the first i really felt good around, as in, there was at least equal interest in each other compared to the other 2, where the guy chased me. CM was the worst. the very worst. well to this date. haha. ok no more sordid love affairs. i shall bore you all to death with my bacteria growth rates and polymerase chain reactions instead.

i feel that life concentrates itself into a tight unbearable ball when i turn semi-adult. such as in now, where i find my life engulfed wholly by work and work and work - i've neglected my health, my friends, my family. i feel especially guilty when i come home, make a fuss and throw a tantrum due to my exhaustion, and go to sleep leaving my family smoldering in the embers of my wake. they're all so stunned and dumbfounded that they don't retaliate much. but the backlash is really much worse in my heart. i find hot tears coming, but i always hold them back. i've got this weird superstition against crying. but then, i really feel rotten and lousy. and by saying so i feel so hypocritical. especially when i can't help but repeat the scene every alternate night. most nights i'm just apathetic and cool and distant towards everyone. my sis is a total stranger to me, and she doesn't acknowledge me with the usual run and hug anymore. i have to go in, peek at her, and smile goofily before she gives me a tentative smile. mostly she ignores me. i'm quite heartbroken. but i can't break the work contract, so i must must MUST try my very best to keep my weekends for my family only, and try not to lose my temper so often. but it's really really very trying! the overall effect makes me a melancholic person at night and slows my wound recovery - up till today the wounds are still exuding pus and not fully closed. at this rate, i think my op will be pushed further back, leaving a larger window of time for re-infection.

i hope meeting my kakis tml morning will make my soul a little lighter and return some of the past happiness to my heart - i don't really like feeling like an 80 yr old and behaving like an anally-retentive one.