the 2nd episode

fuzzzzzzzzzzy. and a cockerel.

i haven't gone stark raving nuts and applied for membership in the time-honored portals of mental institutions worldwide, but i thought i was pretty much heading that direction when i opened my sleep-encrusted eyes the morning of the 14th, day 2. everything was fuzzy, my back felt pretty much like it just had 50 Communist Army officers tramping all over it with spiked boots, and there was a definite buzzing around my head. and no, i was pretty sure i wasn't out clubbing the night before. or was i? my brain wasn't being very cooperative either, threatening to overspill and trickle gelatinously out of my ears when i tried to rationalize the fact that i was very uncomfortable and there was a dastardly crowing going on incessantly in the background. so i settled for sitting up to survery my surroundings, and the events of the past 24hrs came flooding back into my consciousness like a nasty deluge of Ganges river floodwaters down a Karachi street.

welcome to Noh Bo Academy, Day 2. land of the no water supply, crazy flies and superb human spirit.

as most of us haven't managed to adjust to the startling biological schedules in the place, we were a little late on the morning cleansing routine, ending up with a harried breakfast (fried rice, vegetables and egg!) and all warmly welcoming the proposition by Ps Tang to shift devotionals to eveningtime. what we omitted to consider, as Ps Tang subsequently pointed out, was that we as mission workers should begin our day right with God, aligning our eyes towards His purpose and asking for His guidance and protection over the course of the day. it also resolved this niggling little enquiry i had in my heart (apparently my heart, as we know it, has many more chambers than the usually advertised 4, and it's up to me to surrender them all to God, one by one, even if it's shameful or painful, but yes, i digress, again.) about whether there was anything fundamentally wrong with doing QT at the end of the day, since there was a greater likelihood that i could have thanksgivings on hand to mention over quiet time. i now realise that it's better to begin fresh before God, presenting our petitions before Him, and then, as He goes about implementing His will in our lives, we give thanksgiving as blessings come along. or rather, that's the mindset i'm currently adopting. knowing how prone my mind is to travel, especially to the more temperate Mediterranean, i'd not wager any money on this concept being a permanent resident.

and thus we launched project WalkThrough, which covers the Old Testament from Genesis all the way to the birth of Christ. first speaker - yours truly. it was a pretty surreal experience, standing before a seemingly legion-istic congregation of tanned faces, all so impossibly youthful and many even downright childlike, and lecturing on the more carnal of human behavior for Creation (eliciting not a few giggles amongst the crowd and the translator, Christone) and Fall. i almost felt that i was doing a vulgar disservice to the obviously underaged audience, but i knew that i was doing what was right in God's eyes, and that gave me comfort and calmed my thumping heart to go on and finish off my aeons-long speech till Noah and his family finally disembarked from the choppy boattrip to nowhere. (didn't know that StarCruise already had its claws deep into biblical tours, albeit the passengers were, admittedly, under duress) Min darling launched a brilliant prizes-included quiz about my segment, which was a good idea to reinforce learning (and i suspect, rote learning, cos the pace was a little brisk for the students to grasp the full nuances of our messages; and this was true even for the entire teaching course), followed by a robust and lunatic period of aerobics where min pranced around trying to educate the students on the various landmarks in their classroom such as the persian gulf. in truth, she would make a very admirable teacher, cos she has this knack for imparting flavor and personal touches into her lesson to make it come alive with relevance for the students. so for all those a*star cronies hunched over your polished teakwood desks playing with your gold pen holders, here's a burgeoning star ready for harvest for biomedical research :D after min's repartee, it was simon's turn. it was really a story-telling time full of revelry and fun as he went full blast through ancient biblical history, to the point of no return - actually, it was more like a point 6 keywords too far down the list, but we could tell simon the sacho was truly in his form and so thoroughly engrossed in disgorging nuggets of biblical knowledge to the students that he forgot what it was that he was meant to teach. haha :D now that's what i call on fire (for God, and perhaps even a little self-immolative too), man! :D

then it was breaktime for the kids, as we gathered for a time of peer feedback and devotionals, where Ps Tang shared about Lazarus and the Rich Man, and imparted to us the value of holding Godly qualities above mortal possessions. it's very true that we do get caught up in the midst of all the excitement for material status and fame; humans degenerate faster than a block of blue cheese left in the incubator when faced with the prospect of fame and wealth. ask anyone, rich or poor, if they consider themselves being too happy at the moment or having too much wealth, and chances are, if you get an answer in the affirmative, you've stumbled across the 2nd coming and are looking at Christ in the face, so congratulations and let's bring out the jolly shandy. it's a fact of life - a dastardly characteristic lovingly indoctrinated by Satan into our wretched genes since the Fall. cos he couldn't get at God, he decided to erect his own throne, and defined wealth, riches, mortal fame, popularity and all things that eventually come to pass or fade away as his royal scepter and crown. it's a powerful message, and perhaps in the midst of squalor and biting suffering, it struck home in more than a few hearts in our team as we contemplated our beautiful ending - we get to travel home and be with our beautiful families in a habbohotel alter-reality after 7 days, but these kids that we've come to share the Gospel with haven't got anything to travel to but their dreams. and we have the burden of sharing God's dreams for them with them, to break through their hardened hearts and despondency and general laissez-faire about their ill lot in life. it is a burden easily carried by the flippant, but one that weighs down on the chordae tendiniae (heartstrings for the protesting laymen) when one attempts to grasp the full extent of what was required of us at that very place. in a sense, it was back to the drawing block for me - same situation as the scenario when i'm faced with terminal patients left, right and centre, and i possess not even a smidgen of the intellect required to save just one. but this time, i am empowered to make a difference. in this place, at the very moment, i could do things. i could choose to reach out and reach deep, or i could leave the lessons there as it was and consider my job done. the latter requires so much less effort, and imparts such a nice warm afterglow of satisfaction and self-back-patting, but that would be tantamount to complete absence, in my own opinion. i was there for 3 days, and i fully intended to make full use of that 3 days. i don't want to waste a single monent of it, and i was akin to a kamikaze pilot running on low fuel when he finally understands his mission. so i gassed up by throwing myself into the people, and blast me with a crab's pincers if they weren't completely welcoming, compliant and heartbreakingly convivial. it was as though God was nodding His head in Heaven and blessing our little team as everyone all suddenly got hit by Zeus' lightning bolt of diligence and a sense of mission - the singspiration was a roaring success, thanks to the great kicking off led by Dot. i've never seen, heard or felt such tempest in songs of praise, and i know in my heart that even the biggest congregation in singapore couldn't rival this little bunch of people on fire - because their songs came from their hearts, and they truly wanted to sing and dance. if anything, singaporean worships are a little mechanical and detached, and if it were a photograph it'd have jaded edges and sepia tone.

then we broke for games, which was a madcap tag where little dots of colorful rice zoomed imperceptibly across a yawning chasm between 2 ends of a field, chased by colorful little geriatric-speed rice (our team) who also, in colorful language, expressed aloud our disbelief that humans were capable of such rapid translocation without the help of chemical boosters such as fireworks in the butt. it must be the 2,3 bisphosphoglycerate (known fondly as 2,3 BPG to meddies) covalently bound to the Hb, and the polycythemia associated with poor oxygenation at high altitudes. i only managed to tag a girl, the last standing female member of the karen team, and was awfully proud of myself for such a glowing accomplishment. (attributed to a greater scale to the fact that she probably lost her wits to fear and shock at seeing attila the hun hot on her heels than the fact that i outran her)

dinnertime! i was getting increasingly perplexed by the fact that we had a seemingly endless supply of eggs and meat despite the apparent destitution of the village, but eventually this whodunit was resolved by Ps Tang's revelation that we were paying them obscene amounts of money they probably have never seen before to buy ingredients for the amount of "luxury" food that they probably have never had the chance to taste or even see before. so that solves it - another poor village infringed by meat-hungry foreigners with pockets full of cash, even when they have no seeming need for cash at this far-removed place cos everything they need, they pluck/collect/gather/hunt/grow, and who knows what they actually do with the useless pieces of paper with the sovereign's head on it when we offer it to them. in a place with minimalist currency trade and primarily subsistence farming, it's almost a joke to wield cash for what we purchase - kinda like giving a jovial family friend a top-of-the-line, high-tech, voice-controlled hairdryer when he's completely bald.

after dinner, it was the first night rally. being the initial exposure to expectant hearts pliant to the Gospel, i'm sure many amongst us were teetering with anxiety and a keen urge to rpove our mettle. but God's providence far overrides any humanly attempts at securing a willing audience, and truly when we fell back on His grace, everything was well. the testimony sharing and the message by Nick was very inspiring and truly touched me, and though altar call was less than expected, the short exposure would be my main explanation for it. it wasn't that they didn't like the message, in fact, i'm sure many were simply too reticent to approach the altar publicly. nonetheless, the individual prayer offer was taken up by many, and i was heartened to see a firm foundation being laid for subsequent sessions of the rally. furthermore, as paw htee doh later told me, most of the students attend evening service at the church from 7pm onwards, which coincides with our rally timing, so it was really a choice of 2 good things. and we all know, i'm sure, the feeling of wanting both the double oreo oreo cheesecake, and the sinful deluxe double chocolate with chocolate mousse cake. it's one same God, so i know He makes His will in His own way :D

and so we ended our very eventful first day, which was, in all manners of speech, a success. i was immensely proud of being part of the team and even the icicle-inducing shower afterwards did nothing to drench my passion for the next day's activities. and so we fell into sleeping ugly sleep to soothe the jagged nerves of our bodies, and the rest of the tale will follow at the next post!

liberated and empowered, and i'm not crapping you

i'm back from the trip. have been back for 4 days, to be honest, but the hectic whirlpool of city life tends to suck my lifeforce away like a man who's just stumbled out of the Saharan desert to find an ice cold bottle of Coke sitting right at his feet, replete with a wedge of lemon and a straw. in this situation, if he doesn't suck at the coke with all the mighty power of a titan, spartan and the hulk added together, then he's more than likely catatonic from dehydration. but i digress.

the trip was a mighty, mighty time of ministry. usually, i would choose to describe ministry as being a source of comfort. a time of introspection and genuflection. a moment of repentance and covenance with God. but this time, this time, i'm brought to my knees and more. it was a titanic wave of might that burst into my life like a supernova and illuminated previously darkened innermost desires and insitinctive needs. it was a healer and a tutor, a judge and a shelter. personification is but one means by which i can attempt to describe how i was so touched by my experiences, but never will these feeble allusions be adequate. nevermind - a day's experience transcends a thousands scrolls, anyway. (and kudos to the chinese sage/scholar/proverb man who said du2 wan4 juan3 shu1 bu4 ru2 xing2 wan4 li3 lu4 - reading 10,000 books is lesser than travelling 10,000li)

i entered the trip with a heart filled brimful with apprehension and anticipation. apprehension, because i know that i had been through a dark spot of spiritual parlaying with the devil even a week prior to embarkment, and in my opinion, i worried about being a liability and weak link in the team. thank God for dorothy, who opened her heart and shared about her own concerns and fears, that i found yet another beacon of light in those times of despair and gloom. thank God for His love and His masterful plans for me, and the innumerous blessings of friends who surrounded me with their love. thus i commenced the week long journey with 20 others to northern thailand, starting with the seemingly innocuous budget flight that nearly threatened to remove the loose screws of my head during descent to Suvarabhumi Airport in BKK- poor pressurization equipment, i say, is a menace to public health. anyway, i'm jumping all over the place, so do forgive me for my mad hatter thoughts. i'll try to keep this soliloquy to its proper chronological order, but i assure you, with the rainbow spangled pile of experiences, it's going to be an uphill task. so hang on, bear with me, and try to enjoy the ride.

i woke at 3am on the morning of the 13th, tense right down to the miniature-est muscle fibre bundles of my toes, complete with frizzy hair - anxiety and excitement brings out the best of non-caffeinated highs in people. washed, brushed, dressed and breakfasted with a hearty bowl of banana nut crunch cereal before setting off for the airport, as i (rightly) anticipated an arduous course of starvation later on in the day due to the breakneck speed of commuting. Dad was a good sport and gave me a lift to changi, despite the fact that he really needed his sleep (sorry dad) and it was my responsibility to get there myself, but anyway he slipped me an extra 50 bucks too, on the way there. i remember androitly informing him in a droll voice that i wouldn't need the extra money and lugging a 0.000001g note around was going to make me feel very stressed for the next 7 days, but i think God (whom, i postulate, created the saying: Father knows best) was in a particularly humorous mood that day and decided to show me just how much i was going to thank my father for the 50 bucks in the next 6 days. perhaps it's the lack of judgment in a female, but then again, i now am of the persuasion that fathers do know best, right alongside the irrefutable lifestyle facts that guys do in fact make decisions faster and drive better. 5 minutes away from changi airport, as i glimpsed my first sight of the control tower, i began breaking into a gregorian chant litany of "oh my gosh i can't believe i'm going to fly to thailand, like, right now", repeated at 2 second intervals for approximately 60mil times. it was a miracle (or the effects of sheer exhaustion) that my father didn't reach over from his driver's seat and bonk me forcefully on my head to shut my gab, but anyway i was making a nuisance of myself and he didn't try to stop me much, besides the one time he asked me irritably: so do you want to turn back and not go? of course i said no. and of course, i continued my chanting till we pulled up outside the imposing glass doors of T1. right after i stepped out of the car, i met min darling, whose parents also escorted her to the airport to see her off. unfortunately, in the excitement of the moment and the abjectly frightening realization that i was now committed to a one-way-no-turning-back path, i forgot to kiss my dad before he drove away. which was one of the bigger regrets in my heart then, but i trust in God to bless all my family even as i abscond to the ends of the earth.

in the chillingly cryogenic environment of the airport, i was reconciled with the team of mission troopers - there was nicole, wanting, min dear, dani, dot, jo, and me for the gals' side; anand, sam, simon, weiyi, aric, ryan, josh, garry, daniel, ps tang, jon choo, jon tang, ivan and nick to make up the full strength of the team with their masculinity. it was almost surreal to see 21 very very psyched up youngsters prance around the airport with freaking big bags, oblivious to the unearthly hour (5am) and the more than irked glances from fellow budget passengers trying to get themselves checked in at the queue made eternal by our entourage. it was the very first time i've left the country without the company of my family - even at the ripe old age of 19. goes to show how much of a greenhouse flower i am, but i thank God for the opportunity.

the flight itself took no more than 2.5hrs, and was rather uneventful save for the disturbing fact that anand was seated next to me (just kidding! :D) and the crazy pressurization upon descent. after we passed customs, it was a straight, no-nonsense rush for the 2 minivans, hired for the entire duration of the trip to convey us comfortably from BKK to noh bo and back. our collection of luggages and personal effects would have put imelda marcos to great shame, but then again, we hail from bright, sunny and kiasu singapore, so there wasn't much to be said in self-defence. the vans were fitted out with state-of-the-art entertainment systems and full blast airconditioning, which ensured that most of us could get the sleep, rest and relaxation we wanted for the 12hr ride across the countryside up to the myanmese-thai border. unfortunately, even as i artfully doled out cinnarizine to my fellow mission troopers to ward off motion sickness, my self-assuredness kicked me hard in the butt - i believe i was the only one of 2 people physically ill on the upwards trip out of the entire bus' capacity of 11 passengers (driver not counted!) and thus had to suffer the humiliation of trying valiantly (and failing) to find a rubbish bin to dispose of the bag of puke over at mae sot, our last pitstop for dinner before noh bo proper. dinner was a grand affair, though marred slightly by the ominous warnings akin to armeggeddon prophesies by ps tang, who more than gravely informed us that it would be our "last meal" that looked half decent and was actually half edible until we complete the mission trip from noh bo in 4 days' time. that was probably not a very wise announcement to make, considering the fact that garry had, by then, acquired a state of semi-lunacy and was still serving as our treasurer. upon the go-ahead, he went all out nuts and ordered a full meal for himself, permitted us to order a large deluxe pizza for 6 people to share, and even had a chicken cordon bleu as the 2nd helping for himself again even as most of the team had lumbered off to semi-consciousness following supremely good food of thunderously sinful proportions. the quality of the food surprised even a cynic as myself - the decor of the place was, arguably, equivalent to the better haunted places of singapore, replete with spectacular displays of spiderwebs and knobbly wooden furniture and dingy lighting, but the food, wow. you wouldn't believe the fact that they managed to give authentic french/italian names to the dishes proffered on the menu, let along be able to serve up every single thing listed on the 20plus page long bound catalogue AND still not compromise on quantity or quality. i think they deserve 3 more michelin stars than those fools who grill half a tomato with sea salt over in the posh corners of the world - they've conquered the limitations of space, time and supply to overwhelm our tastebuds with a gastronomic feast fit for an upmarket restaurant in milan. but anyway, we chalked up a combined bill of 2000+ baht, equivalent to 100 plus singapore bucks, and probably more than what the proprietors could count for the entire night after we left their place in stunning shambles and emptied their stores of all wheat, flour and oil. in the course of dinner, our party was graced by the presence of rev yee, who was the dean of the anglican ministry in noh bo, as well as a few other very prominent missionaries on their way back to BKK.

dinner done, we hauled ass and moved onwards to noh bo academy. that was another 2.5hrs and honestly, just as i was about to seriously consider relinquishing my weak stomach's grip on the wonderful dinner thanks to the bumpy ride, we arrived at a pitch dark place, where all we could see was a wizened old man's face (the schoolteacher) lit by a single light bulb suspended in midair. it was drizzling lightly, heralding our arrival as missionaries and youth workers with more than a little dampness and chill. after 30 arduous minutes of luggage passing along a human chain (no porters, steep stairs, pitch black = logistic disaster) we managed to settle in, get ourselves showered with ice cold water (i was amazed not to find icicles forming on my hair after i rained a bucketful of the noxious stuff down my head) and tucked in for the night. and that was just how we spent our first night in noh bo - in accompaniment with many exotic bugs, beetles, flies, insects of unknown species and origin, candlelight, the stink of insect coils and a curiously hard and scratchy hand-woven tatami.

i'll tell about the 2nd day's adventures in the next post! :D

war, half undone, but i've awakened.

i'm fighting this.

never knew myself to have such an assertive, pain in the ass alter ego.
self hatred burns oneself up just as much as hatred for another.
self hatred burns more. cos i know i'm doing it, i know i shouldn't be, and my thoughts run away with the concept of self-worthlessness faster than i can catch up with it.
it's like my normal psyche self runs as fast as my physical self does. which doesn't count for much if i want to win.

i can feel love.
i'm standing on the outside looking in desperately at the evil one demolishing my esteem and self, and i can feel love.
love from God, love from my family, love from my friends.

one of these days, love will kill the devil.
one of these days, i will kill the devil with love.
i renounce hatred. it is the tool of the devil. i renounce self-pity, it is the tool of the devil. i renounce hopelessness, for it lies in the deepest realm of the devil's lair.

so God help me.

my fight.

when all else fails
the tears drown,
and dry.

i've never known i could fall
so deeply into myself
the poison consumes
it burns and exhumes whatever piteous little
i had
the facade
it crumbles, but does so shrieking
like a kitten cooked over a fire

it's dark, in here.
it's a vast expanse of darkness, but claustrophobia
reigns gaily
bacause everywhere i turn
there's no way out
there's just more of the thick
smothering poison
taken in gasping gulps
because nobody forced me to

my heart aches.
it hurts so badly, i can almost hear the tears of blood
squeezed out by the choking stronghold
this darkness has on it.

this darkness, can i fight it?
this darkness, will i win it?

when i'm aided only by a maudy crusader's sword
split into splinters of blunt metal
when i'm aided only by the stink
of my own fear
when the pain becomes too much to bear

let the healing begin.