yao4 si3 wor1~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

translated, literally, as "wanna die wor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

exam formats:
1) COFM - 5/11/07, 4MEQs of linked subquestions (answer part a wrong and you can balik kampung alr)
2) Virology and immunology - 7/11/07, 30 true-false questions with 5 stems each, negative marking within a question but no cross-negative marks. dunno what the hell talking me but anyway the minimum marks is 0. like, duh.
3) Neuroscience - 23/11/07, 2 MEQs, everything baokaliao tested, siao liao, plus drug pharmaco. *blubblubblubblub - can u see my air supply getting exhausted from e drowning???*
4) Pathology - 26/11/07, 60 MCQs with 5 choose 1. like 4 choose 1 not hard enough, now they find a new way to make me die faster, more painfully, and with high-class squeaks.
5) Pharmaco - 26/11/07, 20 true-false questions given 40mins (i highly suspect, at each question being alloted 2mins, they're going to give us very, very, very complicated henderson-hasselbachs, log graphs and God knows what PDC shift interpretations) AND 2 MEQs

the dean's office is out to commit mass homicide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feeling like stagnant mint

being a bit boliao as usual. just watched qian1ji1bian4 with bro, quite a good show, to my surprise. yes. astonishment, really. i'd usually grit my teeth til they emit sparks and bear through HK films cos they're totally absurd, with strange dialogue and character developments and really quirky appearances by non-essential characters at all the wrong timings. haha :D but yes, as usual i'm sweeping the entire river kwai worth of boats asunder with my statement, so allow me to apologise for stereotyping.
i need to go the the manicurist and redeem the remaining 5 treatments before they expire! why, oh why, did i succumb to the halcyon calls of vanity???
foot's looking better after a day of not moving around too much (basically mulching like compost in bed). need to start mugging and finish COFM today but somehow i just have no more energy left in me after the incredibly stufing pizza dinner (sorry deardear, more piggy princess for you to love) and the movie...
can't wait for exams to be over really soon, then i can go out and enjoy being with my prince like what princesses and princes do :D quite a few friends have congrats-stuffed me after i changed the profile on facebook WITHOUT KNOWING they actually send out notifications to the entire world just for that tiny innocuous change in status. i was really laughing out loud at jess' baffled and bug-eyed email about not being told... well now that facebook has done the dirty job for me... i guess i won't have to hide it anymore. no point... :) need to study la... also need to go and swim/jog/cycle/diet but then again... it's all a balance of priorities...
today i set up a new system of prayer requests tracking. haha the wonderful guest reverend from sabah REALLY changed me! he's given me much inspiration to face some issues in my life as well as fresh ideas to deal with the nitty gritties of my spiritual walk and growth. i truly pray that this change will persevere and will be preserved together with this newfound spirit of yearning and seeking for Jesus! i really enjoyed the QT i had today with God, just me and Him sitting together in a quiet place talking and listening and leaning on His support.
well it's 2mins to 7.30... i've got to mug til 12.30 and then chiong my pbl til 1am. haha :D of course wc'll murder me in 4 different ways with catchup and spring onions, but well. cofm is 4 meqs!!!!!!!! that probably means it's going to be killer level. (and we're NOT even going into neuroscience, ok!)
okies better run... (figuratively...) slummi get well soon! :D

blowing off the dust of tomorrow

it's been a long while since i entered this little cybervirtual crypt all my own, redolent with the smells all my own, the stashes of mental tidbits and nuggets of stuff left unremembered, perhaps discoiled from memory on purpose or without true intention - nobody knows. certainly i don't. but all this is getting too zennish for me... after all, it's just a week to CAs and everyone's mugging. it really struck me (while i'm msning my brother who's sitting less than 5cm away from me using the home com) that i ought to be slowing down, slowing really down and out and prostrated-like, you know, letting all the epithelial cells of my body really smear onto the floor. cos i'm really tired of being a person, so i want to be a jellyfish for once. a nice, respectable, dignified and WHO-accredited jellyfish of the numero uno grade. i mean, if a self-respecting jellyfish can't even take time out to really have fun, just chill and let all the musculoskeletal joints loose with family, what kind of jellyfish is that? no better than a can of catfood with cucumber, i say. that was what i told muamua last night when she absurdly declared herself a piece of "scum" :D i haven't had anyone vaguely humanoid challenge my trophy for that one in a long time, and man, am i a wasabi if i'm gonna give it up to her so darn easily! so i told her i was catfood enriched with vitamin c and e if she were scum. which brings us both one step closer to the yawning crevasse called insanity, but who cares about a bit of jelly good fun with friends :D
anyway, back to that incendiary brother-sister msn. so we're both having loads of fun playing msn reversi with each other... i think it's a form of self-righteous self-reflection. u know, when a person runs right out of useful things to do, one resorts to labelling brainless games as kinship-building material :D
things have been on my mind recently, and i can't admit i'm not more than a bit bothered by them. in a sense they're things that happen exogenously, not really any of my business at all, but somehow or rather the nana antennae picks it up with jolly fervour and processes it into a bit of endoplasmic crap. which percolates around my system and gives me grief from time to time. like now... i haven't been liberated from my thoughts on myself since i escaped from the asylum called hospital (again, yes, ad nauseum and all that. now comes with a puke bag courtesy of singapore airlines, which is celebrating their acquisition of a plane with 2 storeys and can take many people. woohoo. break one out for humanity won't you) ah i disgress (again, blahblahblah) so where was i? yeah. feeling in the dumps today and making a splash literally... first cos of how i felt touched by ben's sharing and prayers in morning worship (YOLLER OUT TO BEN: THX) and then again letting myself venture (so unwisely) into a realm marked by darkness. of course, anyone could readily argue that such lines of thought are little more than sadistic, masochistic chases in a self-oriented world, where i attempt to rub salt (or hypochlorite - james) with renewed vigour each time i revisit the sore wound. it's borne of self-loathing... i guess mingled with complex and yet strangely addictive mixtures of self-flagellation and self-doubt. it's reinforced with what i do know for facts but let's face it - facts remain facts until you let them sink in, then they become tenderhooks in your flesh for many to grip you and twist you and gore you and eviscerate for joy and laughter in the middle of the night. so there it is. facts that i face day in and day out, yet don't incite me to take a knife or a flask of sulphur or something equally self-hating and drastic and unwise (note: if anyone reading this is feeling depressed or was looking for ways to harm yourself - STOP. talk to someone and get help, seriously.) to myself suddenly turn around like a nasty draught of afterthought and permeate my thoughts. just for a moment in my life, suddenly, inexplicably, the lights go out and i dull down. and i think inwards and downwards, then then things start spirally out of hand a little and i cry.
so that was what happened today. i was looking at my hands and i was crying, then i closed my eyes and cried even harder cos all i could see was my imperfection even as a flawed human and how the oppressive feeling of being surrounded by outstanding human love and concern on all 4 sides made me feel like yellling for them to go away and love someone else cos i'm not worthy of it. it was so, so painfully (sorry for the cliche, but you know, it really does cause a bit of retrosternal pain. or maybe it was the arrythmia from being overtly excited) reminiscent of my many arguments with God. how i'd kneel or sit or lie down and sulk and cry and refuse to listen even as He cajoles and commands and debates His words of encouragement and assurance and hope into my head. it's like installing a virus filter which admits all the viruses cos you set the preferences to the opposite end on twanky days. after all, i'm still a child. after all, i'm but a baby. am i going to allow myself to be one forever? of course not. i've been trying to grow, struggling and being aided on all sides by spankingly great brothers and sisters, to become a more mature Christian. but i do fail sometimes... i do want to recede into a little cocoon and be stubborn and throw tantrums and be spoilt and demand to be nursed and coaxed and pampered back out. who doesn't? in the very depths of your hearts, ask yourself if you'd really think u could survive your entire life being left high and dry in the desertplace with endless philistines coming at you and no refuge. i'm not trying to equate myself to the noble biblicans of note... but occasionally, i just allow myself the sinful indulgence of being a little girl who refuses to hear logic despite understanding it, who insists on being self-flagellatory and mouths rejections of concern but (not even deep) in her heart she craves and yearns and shouts for love and concern. she just wants a pair of huge huggy hands enveloping her and holding her and saying it's all alright.
i believed i could feel entirely satisfied with a bf... i thank God for him but now i realise it's not the case. i still need Jesus.