i'm making a comeback~

it's really strange to tread in this place, a little corner of mosaic and spiced-air, a little bit of whimsical lace trailing in the dusty breeze, a little bit of black-sprayed wooden furniture too small to fit. a little world belonging to me in cyberspace. do people still call it cyberspace? it's so long since i broke out of my reverie into limbo, struggling to find myself in the mad chaos they call med school, finding so many kindred souls and tumbling around having fun wasting time mugging like hell together. i was so sceptical before i came in - the snobs, the haughty know-it-alls, the cliques, the outcasting of those whose limbs don't fit. the impossibly high moral standards that turned out to be only in significant parameters for those who take notice of it. having to seek refuge in the little haven soaked in phenol-chloroform tucked away in forgotten research link, my rara and my little cloud, my alex and my wc (who now has a girlfriend, or a girl whom he fancies, and the girl is a student of his, oh how SCANDALOUS for the man who was my ideal husband! but looking at his marvellously blissful face oblivious to rara's spilling of his secrets, i felt more than a tinge of envy for couples in love) and my little fishies. fishies get killed for research and tanks get replaced, but my love for the people who shared 8 months of my life with me will never change.

so many people have walked into my life without so much as an excuse me. some intrude, some peek in, some loiter and pace around my periphery, oblivious to my presence and my watchful eyes. some make a ruckus and camp in my cerebral tissue day after day, some fade away. some i try to snatch and hold on to desperately, but alas those are the wisps of memories that refuse to stay. i am thankful i can still write, albeit not as eloquently as before, not as emotionally as before. walking through 3 months of medical school has reduced my once flowing repertoire of cheem vocabulary to a thick starchy consomme. but who complains of a tasteful concoction of multiple flavors if it retains the purpose of its existence?

i've made so many new friends. i've fallen in love, unrequited love. looking at the man who holds my attention and feeling the keen call of my heart for him to notice. my heartbeats synchronise with my desire. i feel acutely the feelings of the heartbroken man whom i may have hurt, who may or may not one day stand up at my wedding, and look at me with sad eyes. i look into his eyes, those orbs that want to say to much but are silent. i am forced to look away, so that he doesn't see the tears that reciprocate his hurt. i pretend to be hardhearted. but who am i that i may judge him for throwing my life into manifold chaos, such rainbow colored entrophy it may injure the eyes to see. i am but the girl version of him, albeit totally silent. they say girls love guys in secret, and guys love girls in less secret. i pray to God to show me; i think He has, but i am but a fool, an ignorant fool who cannot read signs even if God brought them down right before my eyes. i am torn. i may be ambiguous, i may be friendly to all. but what they see of it is but personal interpretation. some take it at face value, others find me charmingly sweet. what can i say to the one who thinks i am leading him on?

i'm sorry.

i will not forget how i wanted to cry after he said he was lonely because of me.

i am lonely too. Seek refuge in the Lord. He is the best boyfriend ever. but how can i say that to a guy? Afterall God is a man. and we all know: thou shalt not engage in homosexual acts. muahaha.

found God, trailed away from the path, lagged. found God again. my friends are so amazing, and i find strength in their resilience. reminds me of this song:

love unfailing/overtaking my heart
You take me in/finding peace again
fear is lost in all You are
Jesus i believe in You/and i would go
to the ends of the earth/to the ends of the earth
for You

it's currently sitting at the top of the charts for me. humming it everywhere... bringing God with me. our God is an awesome God - portable! :D or maybe mine's just a really bad translation of the word omniscience. haha :D

missing the days when i used to curl up on the cowskin sofa and merging my big cow butt with the cowskin... reading a book. my favourite authors... whose prolific narrative skills have given their thoughts birth in the form of multiple titles. i'm itching to get at them, but CAs are in 2 weeks. i promise i will devour every single title i'm lagging in right after the last paper on the 8th of dec. watch out, NLB ^_^

lost weight, gained interest in jogging like a hamster on a wheel. overcame my disdain for people who slogged on a stationary machine and going nowhere. hiding in the comfortable indoors, seeking weight loss with the aircon gym and its quaint, lovely security uncle. he squints up at me whenever i call him, and i like it when he smiles at me benignly in return. i like to make people smile - i realise i have this penchant for igniting smile reflexes in complete strangers. it could be my bad teeth structure, it could be my flabulent lips. whatever it is, i never fail to incite people to smile back at me once i launch one of my own in their general direction. and it gives me a kick when i see them wander slowly away from me afterwards, wondering who the HECK i am. haha :D and of course, i get more ingredients, more chili sauce, better service, and a compliment on my manners whenever i am a good little girl. it really makes me very glad to make people happy, taking just 2 seconds out of their frown-soaked day to flex those smile muscles. people are so much more humane and radiant when they smile :D it doesn't cost me anything... and i can ride on the afterwave of their endorphin crest. it's a great thing to do for people around you today - try it!

ana carolina reston, a brazilian beauty of 20 years who works as a model, passed away because of anorexia. now i'm not going to say anything more about this but i know what i want if i had all the power in the world.

i would make everyone live happily. no more fighting. no more body dysmorphic disorder. no more bureaucracy holding up much needed aid to those who are lying in a squalid flat and wasting away from hunger. of course it's extremely flawed, my wish. make? that's against human rights - there are forever minorities of the population (who prefer to be called such rather than the politically incorrect weirdos) who refuse to live happily. and of course, making them happy would be a grievious abberration of basic human rights. and then the anarchists, whose happiness hinge on the misery of others. God must be having such a hard time... :P

that's half an hour with me. in the past half an hour i've spoken my mind... taken a break from studying... thrown aside my masque and simply written down my thoughts. blogging today didn't make me naked - it made me look at myself and go, wow. i had no idea i could still blog after so long. now it's back to mugging... today i'll be focusing on physiology. how our normal bodies work. it's beautiful, but i need to go past the details and look at the big picture.

someone asked me: how can it be that people in the elite schools predict they'll fail even before the test? i gave an answer. but i want to rewrite my answer here.

it's my way of protecting myself i guess. the more i tell myself that, the more i think it will actually happen. and when it does, the people who have heard me say that I'll fail will take it as i've already steeled myself for it, and i'll just tell myself - hey, at least i'll have an alternative career in fortunetelling :D